But … the Pat came back, the very Next Year!

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

So … this is either good news for you, or bad; I’m back! Of course, I may not be as regular as before (okay, now that sounded like I need Bran!). I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year, and got to spend time with friends and loved ones.
Our Christmas was a “mixed bag,” as almost all of us got sick … one after the other. My cold started on Christmas Day, and eventually four of us got it! The night before, I felt fine. We were playing Ellen’s game from her cell phone app, called “Heads Up.”
There’s nothing like a rousing charade-like game to bring the family together. However, I did make a mistake that grossed out my son and daughter. In this game, a person holds a cell phone with its screen facing out. On the screen, a statement is shown, and the others give verbal clues, so that you can guess each one. Deb’s category was geography, and the statement was “Virgin Islands”. No one was able to get Deb to guess, and finally before I thought, I blurted out: “what your mom used to be!” Both my kids had looks of horror on their faces, but their mom did get the right answer!
My worst nightmare also came true this Christmas, as Deb bought a wooden book shelf for me to build. If you’re a first time reader of my column, then you should know I’m pretty hopeless in manly building, of pretty much anything! Remember, I’m the guy who built a waterbed frame around a basement telepost, got stuck on my roof, put charging cables on the wrong car battery posts, blowing a hole in its top, and put up fence boards in a very crooked line! So, I struggled away for a long while building this bookcase. Do any of you other guys really sweat when you build stuff, because I do! The thing was finally all built, I was drenched, and I was faced with a real predicament.
The instructions said there would be eight little metal pins on which the shelves would sit. In my little bag of pieces, there were only seven! Here’s my theory: I think that in these various factories that make these kits, there’s always one angry worker. He’s not happy in his job, he may be bored, or he may be feeling like he wants to rebel against “the man”. To make it simple, let’s call this worker “Dick.”
I think that this “Dick” goes out of his way now and then, to really stick it to the consumer! Good old “Dick” makes sure that every so often, he puts one less part in a building kit, just to drive us nuts! Now, I have a bookcase built, but one of the shelves will not sit properly, because this “Dick” ripped me off of one lousy metal part! I haven’t been able to convince Debbie of my theory, but I really believe that some of these companies have one or two “Dicks” who are regularly making us “handy men” suffer … no wonder I get nervous and sweaty when Deb gives me a building project!
It’s no wonder my nerves are shot! Projects like these, that most guys find relaxing, actually make me scared to death. It doesn’t help that I’ve been a teacher now for 32 years! About a month ago, a student came up to my desk quietly, dropped her completed test on my desk, and basically scared the crap out of me! I mean, I jumped, threw my pen into the air, held my chest, and all she did was giggle!
“What are you, a ninja?” I asked. “You should wear a bell or something … who comes up silently like that, anyhow?”
While laughing (nice, eh?) she asked, “can I go to the bathroom?”
I sighed, “you might as well, cuz I just did!”
Ah kids, they’re so cute when they’re causing you a stroke!
So … welcome to 2015! Here’s hoping you all have a great, and healthy New Year, and that my shattered nerves can start to settle down. And if I can ever track down that “Dick” who wrecked my building project, he’s in a lot of trouble!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)