Panic button

Fule for Thought

 

Panic is defined as “a sudden overwhelming fear, with or without cause, that produces irrational behavior, and can spread to others (dictionary.com).” 

Besides trying to watch “The Walking Dead” without screaming, there are things that can throw a person into panic mode. Heck, I’m still dealing with a hedgehog that panics when he hears sudden noises and he’s caught outside his house. 

I swear his only response to a threat is to poop! It’s getting very old, and we try not to scare him, but he still balls up with his spikes out, and makes snorting, pig-like grunts. And yes, he still poops the whole time he runs on his exercise wheel … what a dumb pet.

Medical procedures can throw a person into sudden fear. I was talking to a former student, Ashley, and she’s in the LPN Program at Mount Royal. They are currently in mid-terms, and I know that can be a scary time. Not only does Ashley have tests to study for, she has to do her practical labs. I asked what kind of lab things she has, and she replied, “we’re working on catheters this week.” 

I’m sure I went white with fear, and I bet there are a lot of men out there who are also cringing at that word. We know where that gets inserted, and no man wants that! I asked Ashley how her nursing student pals actually practice that technique. She said they have dummies for that, but eventually they also have to work on real people! Who would volunteer for that … I’d have to be paid a lot of money to get practiced on! 

“You better not be grabbing homeless guys off the street for your evil experiments, Frankenstein! You probably tell them they’re getting a nice meal and stuff, right up ‘til they’re strapped down!” 

Hopefully, these guys haven’t been out in the cold too long!

It doesn’t always have to be medical procedures that cause panic in people; even the simplest of day-to-day things can cause panic. There’s nothing quite like that thrill of instant fear when it’s Garbage Day, you’ve just hit “snooze” on the alarm, and you hear the noise of the big truck approaching your house! You go from a peaceful doze to instant fear and sprinting around to the various garbage cans around the house. You fill the one in the garage, and try to get it bagged, tied, and out to the pick-up spot on time! The worst is when you do all that, only to see the truck about three houses down from you. Now I don’t know about you, but I refuse to run down after them carrying the bags! My biggest fear is that they won’t stop, or worse yet, they’ll taunt me a bit. You know, you get closer, they might slow down … then speed up! I’m not saying garbage guys do that, but I think of these things in terms of me. It’s something I would do! In fact, if I was a garbage guy, I’d pick the odd day where I’d make sure we got out quite a bit earlier, just to see how many neighbours I could launch from their garages into panicked running after us! Of course, I probably wouldn’t keep that job very long!

Another panic happens at the workplace every now and then. Our school has video cameras and an elaborate alarm system. One morning when Deb and I went up to my classroom so I could pick up some marking, I joked, “wouldn’t it be funny if the alarm went off?” 

Well, it did! It turns out that when I keyed in the alarm to shut off the system, I actually pressed away instead … and it was a really loud system! When this does happen, you have to shut it off, before any authorities get dispatched. So it becomes the panicked run back down to the alarm pad, key it off, and then you have to call the 1-800 Alarm Company to tell them what an idiot you are, and please do not send out police or fire trucks! Then you have to explain to your principal about the reason the alarm went off, and you feel deep shame … lol.

Watching the two man bobsled races has convinced me the back guy has the hardest job, followed by the most fear! First, he’s got to push a lot longer than the “driver.” Then he has to execute a dive into the back, and stay down as low as possible. Can you imagine that for however long that race is, down the mountain track at speeds of 80 mph, all the back guy sees, are his feet and the driver’s butt! That would be scary enough, but then you have to totally trust the guy in front! Not me, my head would pop up, just to see if we’re going to hit a wall or not. Sure, our times may be slower than other teams, but my bladder also wouldn’t empty all the way down! Huh, maybe that’s why most teams wear dark race suits!

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)