The Fat Knight rises

Fule for Thought

 

Life is full of surprises. Sometimes it throws you a curveball when you don’t expect it. My own curveball came in the form of weight gain!  

It’s actually not even fair that I have become “chunky.”  

I mean, I almost died as a baby because I couldn’t keep food down. They eventually got me to be able to eat a light mixture of watered down milk and pablum, and THAT saved my life. Now, however, I don’t have that problem … I have, over time, become pleasantly plump. Although, I’m not really pleasant about the situation! I was driving to the high school the other morning and had a sad realization. I have to lose at least nine pounds JUST to be really overweight! How can THAT be a good incentive, or starting point??

I also was one of those people who, in their 20’s and 30’s, could eat anything, and not gain weight. Sadly, those days are gone, and now the slightest morsel (even Styrofoam) seems to cause a weight gain. Shirts that are still almost new, have more “me” than material … they are definitely tighter than ever before. Dress shirts are my biggest fear. You cannot hide the fact you’re a bit heavy when you button up the collar and attempt to tie the tie. First, the tight collar forces any and all throat fat upwards, so that you look like you’re a bullfrog about to choke! The tie becomes the second part of this torture device, as it seals in your throat fat, causing an increasingly red shade to develop. It even becomes difficult to turn your head, so you need to turn at the shoulders to see what’s going on!

I have tried lately to eat more healthily, and have gotten back to whole grain cereals and salads. I do, however agree with the comedian, John Pinette. If you ever get a chance to see his routines on You Tube, he has one called “Around the World in 80 Buffets.”  

He says “salad is not a meal, salad COMES with a meal!”  

I’m never really satisfied with a salad … it feels like I’m either just grazing, or I’m being punished for BEING chunky! I’ve even resorted to those round, rice cakes, which again taste like Styrofoam, and probably have the same nutritional value!

The scale becomes your enemy, not your friend. I’ve even re-discovered my Catholic roots … I pray before I step on it! Lately, God hasn’t answered these prayers, but I know he works in mysterious ways. His way seems to be pointing more to a highway WEIGH scale, though! This does bring to mind this latest Summer. You become a little addicted to weighing yourself … telling yourself that your scale MUST be wrong! My scale at home NEVER matches the one at the doctor’s office. I think it’s a conspiracy (like the gunmen on the grassy knoll). I even got Debbie to drive me to the Highway Weigh Scales outside of Strathmore. One night years ago, a friend and I weighed ourselves there after an evening at the Chestermere Pub. Believe it or not, it IS accurate … I was surprised that it could register us accurately. This latest time at the weigh scales, we had to leave, as there was a long line of semi-trailers being weighed. I don’t embarrass easily, but taking my turn in a line of trucks to be weighed, would have been REALLY awkward … the other trucks waiting to be weighed … me standing there … I don’t even have air brakes … well maybe … in the back! 

The other thing I dread each fall after a fun-filled summer, is the dreaded school photo day. You can’t hide from the camera, and they say it adds some pounds to you. Getting the photo taken is one thing, but when it comes back to us, to choose a “picture package,” THAT’s where the photo evidence makes its case. I actually asked our Associate Principal if a fat face in my picture would entitle me to a re-take! It’s not looking good for the re-take, though. The photographer was kind, however, he didn’t even laugh when I asked if he’d be able to get all my chins in the shot!

So … lately I have been trying to eat more healthily. Many of us make these resolutions around Jan.1, when we don’t feel all that healthy … you know, the day AFTER!? 

I’m eating more fresh fruits/vegetables … staying away from the ales I love, and having smaller portions. However, inside of me, is a fat guy, desperately trying to get out. For awhile he has started to, but I’m trying to hold him back. So … wish me luck, wish many of us luck as we do battle with the bulge. In my case, I have to stop the “Fat Knight” from rising … like the movie!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)