Husbands and wives: Part 1

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

It’s elementary school report card time at my house, and that means you’ve been marking for weeks (after of course you’ve made sure every one of your assignments has met various learning objectives … and that’s definitely an easy thing to do!)
So, I’ve been hiding out in my “man cave” downstairs, basically thanking my lucky stars that I teach high school!
Elementary teachers have to work so hard! Little kids can’t give a teacher much “down time” … they always need help, and many have such special needs. In high school, you can generate a test that can keep the students busy for close to an hour. This cannot happen with a class of 25 little ones … there is no down time! I really respect elementary teachers … you are the ones who are really in the “trenches!”
So on Sunday, I thought I’d help Deb with the vacuuming. At least, I turned on “Jarvis,” our robot vacuum! It was a really successful afternoon, he really picked up a lot of stuff … I was exhausted just watching (I may never vacuum again; do you know how good that feels?)!
The best part is watching how Jarvis moves around, touching objects and “mapping out” the rooms. Our old dog, Brodie was in a deep sleep. It was so deep, and he’s stone deaf, that Jarvis vacuumed up to Brodie, tapped him regularly, and basically vacuumed around him! He mapped and vacuumed around our sleeping dog! Then, after about an hour and a half of Jarvis’s chore, I actually had to work, and dump out his tray. Whew, a tough afternoon!
I started to think how different husbands and wives are, and how best I could help new couples. This time, I thought I’d translate a few things for new wives, so that you’d understand your husbands more, and maybe, just maybe … “cut them some slack!”
So, here are some things you new brides and fiancés should know about your men:
1. Husbands are really polite. When we ask about your day, that’s being polite. We don’t necessarily want to actually hear about the whole day’s details, a simple and polite “good” or “not so good,” is all we’re after. Remember, when you talk to your guy, less is more!
2. If you tell us your problems and concerns, we think you told us that, to get help and advice. Why else would you spend half an hour telling us about a stressful day, if you don’t want help?
3. We don’t really believe you when you say you have nothing to wear, because we’ve seen your closet! All our clothes have been relegated to two drawers in a dresser, and it’s not even in our own bedroom!
4. When you say it’s okay to go out with “the boys,” we don’t know you have your own set time limit for us, and that the timer started with us ending the call!
5. Husbands will drink from the milk jug or juice container, if no one’s around. Why would we dirty another glass … you should thank us!
6. If we don’t have a “Jarvis,” we’re probably not going to move furniture when we vacuum.
7. Please don’t ask us to phone our guy friends just to talk. We don’t do that! When we phone a pal, there’s got to be a reason for it, or else we feel weird.
8. If we get sick or hurt, our guy friends will mock us. We may not say this to you, but we really want to be nursed back to health, and doted on.
9. If you give us a grocery list, and we get everything but one item, we really don’t care that much that we missed that one thing. I mean, hey, we got 99.5 per cent of the huge list. Wouldn’t you be happy if your surgeon had a 99.5% success rate in his operations? We missed parsley … big woop!
10. We really don’t feel like circling the parking lot to find that one spot that is “magic” for you! In fact, we could’ve been parked and in the mall, by the time we find the “missing link” of parking spots!
11. There is nothing worse to us than clothes shopping with you, unless it’s for shoes!
12. We’re not big fans of crying babies. If our kid is crying on a long car ride, it’s probably going to get a lot of bottles passed back to it! Heck, we’ll even change the heavy, wet diaper, if it means the ride was quiet!
So, that’s Part 1 of “Husbands and Their Feelings.” As we get closer to Father’s Day, I’ll try to bring you Part 2. And guys, you’re welcome. I’m there for you!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)