Sarcasm … served daily!

Fule for Thought

 

Shhhhhh … I’m writing this column as quietly as possible, so I need you to read it as quietly as you can. The hedgehog is right behind my computer desk, he’s awake, and he knows I’m here! He now knows the sound of my voice, and he associates that voice with supper … fresh mealworms! I’m like his own room service, and I’ve had to move around our downstairs family room like a ninja, so he doesn’t hear me! If he hears me, he comes right to the cage bars and … oh crap! 

I’m back … I made the mistake of looking over my shoulder as I typed this, and the hedgehog and I made eye contact. He stared me down with that cute face, and those big eyes, and once again, he got his food delivery! He’s actually kind of cute and he does reach out with his paws to touch my hand, but I think it’s really just to make sure he gets that mealworm. He’s definitely the oddest pet I’ve ever had. 

It’s almost like he’s a pet out of sarcasm. He’s all friendly, cute, and cuddly just to get fed, and then he dusts off back into his house until I’m gone. I swear I’ve heard him chuckling as he waddles back, belly full of meal worms, another five course (worm) meal fed to him by the big guy outside his cage!

I shouldn’t really judge him on his sarcasm. I can be quite sarcastic myself. In fact, having coached Jr. high, club, and high school basketball for over 25 years – it’s my sarcasm that got me technical fouls from referees. At one tournament, I was so frustrated with the lack of calls by a referee, that I asked him if his whistle actually worked, because only the other ref made any calls! I was directed to the hallway for the rest of the game. While out there, and with my assistant coach running the show, I had some time to reflect. Just then Sara, one of my colleague’s daughters, came over to me. Sara was about eight, and asked me why I was in the hall. 

“Well Sara, it’s like this, I’m kind of on a ‘time out’ for something I said in the game. Do you know what I mean?” 

Without missing a beat, Sara replied, “that’s okay Mr. Fule, I get time outs too. They’re not so bad.” 

“Well, I’m going to really try and be good from now on,” I replied. 

“That’s what I say, too,” Sara replied! Out of the mouth of babies!

I was pretty good up until my last few season in senior high girls’ basketball. In a Chestermere tournament, I had been having some heated “discussions” with an old referee. I mean he was old … I’m not sure if he was actually hired, or he wandered in from a Seniors’ Lodge! Anyway, I told him he needed to call more fouls both ways, because girls had been hurt on both teams, and one had actually been taken away. Of course, I had gotten my first technical, and Breanne had told me not to get another one. I did my best. It was late in the game, maybe about a minute and a half to go, and we were going to lose. Just then, one of our girls was fouled hard in front of our bench, with no call from him. After we subbed her out, he was pretty rude as he called for us to get our players back on the court. I pointed at the hurt girl and said, “you know, when you get your cheque for this game, you should donate it to charity because you don’t deserve it!” 

I was directed to the hallway for the rest of the game. However, I did hear a huge round of laughter at my sarcasm, from the Chestermere boys! It didn’t help me in the hallway, though.

I tried not to be sarcastic this week, but I couldn’t help it. I have a student who is, how shall I say it, less than industrious. He volunteered to be one of my volleyball coaches, so he could get PE 20 Service Hours. Needless to say, he only came twice. Wednesday, I was handing out free t-shirts to my other coaches as a surprise. He looked at me with “hedgehog-like” eyes. Of course, I went to my desk, and got out a t-shirt. I also took out a pair of scissors. I cut off one sleeve, and delivered him the sleeve. 

“Hey, I came twice,” he said. “Oh yeah, right … sorry,” I replied. 

I went back to my desk, cut off the other sleeve, and gave it to him! Sometimes, sarcasm can be a life lesson!

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)