Funeral planning and marriage un-advice II

Fule for Thought

 

This past week, the Fules went to a funeral for the grandfather of Brennen’s girlfriend, Abbey. After dropping off the computer drive for the slide show, we went to a pub for lunch. It was here that I discovered that my son was already making preparations for my eventual funeral! 

He said, “Dad, I’ve been thinking a lot about your funeral, and I think when it happens, everyone should wear shorts! You know, ‘cuz you always wore shorts.”

“What do you mean wore … you know I’m still here, right? You’re actually talking about my funeral to me!?” 

I must say, I was a bit flabbergasted!

He responded with, “yeah, but it’s gotta be you, like there should be some Elvis songs, you know like ‘My Way!’ ”

“First of all, that’s Frank Sinatra, and I hate that song,” I replied. He asked me whether or not that really mattered? This was when I began to look back on our decision to have children, trying to recall why? It also got me thinking of relationships and a column from a year ago where I gave out bad advice to men about women. 

So, with no more death talk, here’s some “advice” for the gals in relationships… some things to “definitely” do for a happy life together:

1.) Tell us everything on your minds. There’s nothing men like more than to hear all about your day, and please don’t leave out any details. We want to hear it all, what you were wearing, how you felt, who you saw, the wind velocity at the time, the temperature, and don’t forget to quiz us later. We really want to prove we heard it all.

2.) Tell us all the things we have to do, and do this often. Yes, there’s nothing like a good woman telling her man all the things to do in a day, to be better. We need to be told which parking spot is best, why the garbage bag has to be changed right at that particular time, and that the grass needs to be cut. We can’t figure those things out on our own, so we look to you to fill our days with jobs, and we also need to know exactly when is the perfect time to do them.

3.) When we’re apart, ask us lots of questions when we return. When we return from a forced errand, there’s nothing like being interrogated on where we went, who we saw, what was said, and what they were wearing. Men love to pay attention to little details, and we appreciate being able to be tested on just how much we remember. This way, we know just how important we are to you, and that you care about every little thing we do on our own.

4.) Tell us regularly when we have to leave for an event, but take your time. We need to be constantly reminded that we must be at the party by 7 p.m. or else. We also know that everything must be perfect, so please take all the time you need. We get that your preparations have nothing to do with us ever being late … it’s us who should be ready. We already know that you “have nothing to wear,” because we’ve seen the full walk-in closet, and we know you’ll need to go shopping soon to finally get some new clothes!

5.) When leaving the party, again, please take your time. Yes, we know you know everyone at the soiree, and before we go, you have to say goodbye to each and everyone. We men are in far too big a hurry, and we don’t understand what “leaving now” actually means. We think it means “hey, we’re now leaving … now.” We have to learn that it means a period of unknown time to meet, greet, and re-visit people we’ve just been with for the past five hours. It’s just rude to say you’re leaving, and then actually do that, right away. So please take your time … we’ll meet you back at the cash bar!

6.) Before we fall asleep, talk to us all about the party and other things. There is nothing men like more than to talk about everything that happened at the party, or dance. We want to share all of our conversations with you, and please don’t hesitate to ask us again on all the talks we had. Also, feel free at this time to share your feelings on anything that comes to your mind. I mean, hey, it’s probably 2 or 2:30 a.m., and that’s prime talking time!

So ladies, those are some key things to do to keep your man happy. We’re a simple gender, and I’m sure if you use any or all of these, you’ll be on the way to having a happy man in your life! HAH! 

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)