Arizona, take off your rainbow shades (thanks Mark Lindsay!)

Fule for Thought

 

So, I decided to splurge for my family this week. I mean, I’m no Bill Gates or Warren Buffett, but I thought they deserved to be spoiled. Money was not going to be an obstacle. No sir, I looked at all the choices, and picked three ply toilet paper! 

Yep, maybe it was little extravagant, but heck, they deserve it, and this way, I get to be the generous provider! It took a while to select just the right brand, what with all the designer labels, number of sheets per roll, and the terminology! 

I was reading them all over (probably looking pretty creepy in the Co-op, too!). One package even had the descriptive phrase that announced its paper was made with “Dura-Clean!” 

What the heck “Dura-Clean” is, I don’t know, but it sounded pretty impressive. However, I went with delicate softness instead! It reminded me of an advertising slogan I saw for an Australian toilet paper company that said “the toilet tissue that cares for Downunder!” 

Now, my whole family will know how much I care for their comfort!

But enough of that, I’m a bit down this week. Deb and I went to Arizona for 10 days at the start of July. I know, you’re thinking “what idiots go to Phoenix” in the heat of the summer. It’s just that summer is when we have a lot of time, and hey, it’s a dry heat! 

I’m down because on July 3, I saw my first “Back to School” commercial … July 3! Oh sure, I get that there’s no sympathy for a teacher who grumbles about this, but July 3? To regular people (insert the word “normal”), it would be worse than seeing snow tire commercials now! The only thing that made me feel better, was that in the U.S., the kids get out in late May, and go back earlier. Based on one blonde waitress we had there, the U.S. kids really should be in school as much as possible!

Deb and I were lucky enough to stay at the home of Brennen’s girlfriend’s parents. We had a beautiful place with our own pool, and a van to sightsee, or when it comes to Deb, shop! We stopped in at a lounge, and this is where the American Education system came into doubt. I’m sorry to say our waitress was a young blonde, and we were talking with her about Phoenix, its attractions, and the shopping district. 

Then Deb asked her the question, “what is this area called?” Without missing a beat, our gal said, “the bar.” The bar … hmmm … the U.S. had a slogan about its Education plan that stated, “No Child Left Behind.” 

Well, I can tell you that this one was!

We also discovered that we were in Phoenix during their “monsoon” season! Now, to me, monsoons mean wild rainstorms with tons of wind, and destruction. To Arizonians (is that a word?) … a monsoon is heavy rain and the odd dust storm. In fact, on one of our drives back from Sedona, we were humming back along the Interstate with our wipers on the “fast” setting, only to see car after car, pulled over in the shoulder. There were so many, they really stood out. When we asked our hosts about it, they said that people in Phoenix aren’t used to driving in heavy rain. Huh, I thought … they really need to see our blizzards. Then, they’d really know why someone has to pull over, and heck, we still don’t even do that very often!

We did have great, sunny weather, and even though I’m terrible in water, I enjoyed the pool. Deb got a little carried away, and told me to take off my shirt! She said, “I might as well pretend that I have a pool boy!” 

Just then I saw my 53 year old reflection in the window … I was not a pool boy! She’s a keeper though, if she’d say that to me. I did a few secret push ups, and did the best “pool boy” imitation I could! 

“Gee, Mrs. Fule, it sure is hot out here … maybe I could just come in and cool off a bit? What, your husband’s not home, and you’re not sure?” (I’m kidding, don’t get creeped out … I never said that!)

I did notice this place had great desert landscaping, except for this one cactus. It was pretty erect, and had one small, round protuberance at the bottom! I know this is bad, but all I could think of, was Lance Armstrong! I actually felt a little insignificant standing near it! I was just really glad it doesn’t get cold in Arizona in summer! 

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)