When C doesn’t mean cow and V doesn’t mean victory

Fule for Thought

 

There are certain things we go through in life that are not always pleasant. Life is not made of liquorice grass, cotton candy clouds, or chocolate bunnies that can have their heads bitten off. I know women have to go through a lot more than typical males. I mean, if we had to bear children, the families would be a lot smaller! Oh yeah, that first bit of morning sickness, the kicks to the inside of my stomach, and especially labour, would be enough to convince me that one kid is enough!

However, we men also have to experience tough situations. An earlier column dealt with the pain and anguish of a well-placed hit to a man’s groin. I still maintain THAT is as bad as labour. Maybe it doesn’t last as long, but on the “Richter Scale” of pain, it can often be a 9.0 to a 9.5! AND, when a guy is “canned,” there’s no one to help him breathe, because most people are too busy laughing!

At the doctor’s office, the old annual “digital exam” is also an eye opener, and I DO mean literally! I’ve always worried when a doctor I don’t know, does this procedure. I mean, there are those few moments JUST before, that kill you. A lot of thoughts raced through my mind: what if the lights dim, and soft music comes on? What if this different doctor sends you flowers the next day?! It’s worrisome! Even when this procedure is done by your regular, trusted doctor, it’s always awkward. How do you keep a conversation going at THAT moment!? What do say right AFTER … “thank you?” … “let me out of here!” or … “cut your nails?”  

I always just want to awkwardly shuffle away!

A colonoscopy is also something we have to face. Luckily, I was “out” for mine, but it was the “preparation” for it that was terrible! The mixture(s) you have to drink are bad enough, but you have to remember they are designed to “EMPTY” you, and THAT is not fun! I’ve never run that much in a day in my life! I wish I’d had on that pedometer from HEAL, because I know I’d have made it around the island in their “Jamaica Challenge”!  

It didn’t help that wherever I ran, the dog followed, and sat in front of the door! You try to have some kind of privacy, but he basically announces where you are … not cool!

That “purging” as they delicately call it, was horrible … I felt like I was exploding!  

Now, I was raised Catholic, and I really did re-discover Prayer that night! Just before this “experiment,” I began to worry and wonder … but mostly, wonder! Luckily, I was sedated, and slept through it all. All I remember is just after the procedure, I asked the nurse to “read me a story!”

Quite a few years ago, Deb and I decided (or I begged!) that two kids was enough. I volunteered to go through this procedure … you know, the “snip”… the big “V.”  

I remember walking as slowly as I could to our local hospital. I thought about a lot of things that morning: life, children, whether or not my doctor had a good night’s sleep … everything ran through my mind! I actually did ask him that, I mean, I didn’t want to take any chances, what if he stayed late on Wings Night at The Station?

I felt I should know this! Of course, he was incredibly professional, and reassured me,  that with the slight sting of the needle, it would feel like I’d just had four or five beers, and I’d be relaxed. Relaxed? 

He could have poked out my eyes, I was so happy! I giggled through the surgery, and added a few quips I was sure were witty. However, I did have a few “visions” (I think) … The “Grim Reaper” appeared with his big scythe!! Why would the doctor need him? Why would he need a scythe … what was a scythe? … was that a chainsaw I heard, starting up? Luckily, time seemed to go fast, even as the doctor asked if I wanted to see the procedure … uh, NO!

The doctor told me that it would be a good idea if I got a ride home, so I called Debbie. I laughed as I told her I was in front of the hospital .  

“Yes, I was okay’ … it was actually FUN, and “what did she want to do later today?” 

I don’t remember the short car ride home, I do think she brought the family dog along. I swear I remember that the dog looked at with as if he knew! He had a sad face and seemed to nod at me, when the painkiller wore off. Yup, neither one of us would ever be the same again! 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)