The weighting game

Fule for Thought

 

If you’ve been a regular reader (thanks, you three!), then you know I have waged an often losing battle with excess weight. On my last visit, before the doctor said ANYTHING, I told him, “don’t say anything, don’t say what you’re thinking of saying … I know I’m in trouble. Just give me a stern look, a wag of your pointing finger, and that’ll be fine.”  

He did all of those, but then used two words on me that I thought I’d never hear. Now bear in mind, that for a lot of my 30 years teaching, I have been a manageable, healthy weight. It’s been a losing battle since about 2005. In fact, “Doc” showed my weight changes on the computer screen. It’s bad enough seeing the chart with the jagged line climbing up steadily. However, “Doc” had to decide to be witty at this point.

“Gee, I wish my stock portfolio looked like your weight line,” he quipped. Wow, really?   

That’s your “bedside manner?”  

That’s how you make your star patient feel better? Oh yeah, back to his two words of wisdom. They weren’t really what you’d call positive gems. Oh no, those two words still echo in my brain: “Weight Watchers”!  

Weight Watchers … me? How did this happen, I started teaching at 165 pounds, and NOW? Well, let’s just say it’s a lot more! Now don’t think I have anything against this organization, it’s just never occurred to me that it’s what I may need (some might call this state of mind, “denial”).

I looked at “Doc” in shock, and I think he sensed I was about to cry … I shook my head vigorously, and sadly, I could feel my chins shake, too! I swore to him that on my NEXT visit, my weight would be down, and he’d be proud of me! I also know this will be a tough task, and this is why I turn to you, whatever readers I have out there.

There’s an old saying, that states, “it takes a village to raise a child,” well I need a TOWN to get my weight DOWN! Here’s my plan … I will walk more, eat less “bad” food, more “good” food, and wear my new Nike Fuel band. Your role in this, could be a bit of fun for you, too! In case you can’t put a face to the column, I’m the guy who wears shorts throughout the winter. So, if you happen to see me in a pub, and I’m devouring a pile of chicken wings … feel free to say, “what would Doc say?” 

Then give me one of HIS stern looks and try to guilt me into putting the wing down, or the big slab of cheesy pizza that I’m trying to shovel into my face! If you see me, face down in an extra large DQ blizzard, talk me down. Help me get off the ledge of blubber (that’s a metaphor)! I know, I know, you’re probably thinking: I don’t know this guy … why would I want to do this? Well, think of it as a cry for help, and YOU’RE the “good Samaritan!” Stop me from being my own WORST enemy! Also, it’s GOT to be more fun for YOU than it will be, for ME!

Now, if you see me on one of my rare walks, don’t offer me a ride, no matter HOW sad a face I make! Remember, I may use any trick or ruse to get that ride. If you see me lumbering along with a scowl, or faking a limp, or holding up a crisp $50 bill, just drive on! Don’t fall for the old “hitchin’ a ride” act either. You can honk if you want to encourage me, but please don’t wait to honk until you’re RIGHT next me! THAT would probably scare the crap out of me, and I don’t want to mess with the “old ticker!”

It’s probably not in the best of shape either, even though I do teach PE (now THAT”S irony)!

I’ve also begun to track my weight each week. Oh sure, I know it’s back to the highway weigh scales for my FIRST few times, but someday, things are going to click for me! So, what do you say, Strathmore, are you in? I really do need your help, your “guilting” me out of junk food is just what “the doctor ordered!”

Don’t let me see one more upward blip on my weight chart! Don’t send me back to “Doc” this way … save me from that chocolate cake!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)