The 25th anniversary cruise (not quite the titanic!)

Fule for Thought

 

So … I started this column because I have a unique “bucket list.” 

I always felt that I’d seen and been a part of many strange and wacky things. Now, however, I’m learning that I work (free, mind you) for a slave driver. He’s always pushing … pushing … he’s like a Nike executive running a sweatshop for new sneakers! No sooner do I crank one column out, and he’s on me for more! The pressure and strain is tough!

Speaking of strain, for our 25th wedding anniversary, we went on a very beautiful and relaxing Hawaiian Island cruise. I mean, what could be more soothing for a guy who not only can’t swim, but is actually afraid of deep water? Yep, there’s nothing like being out on the open seas, cutting through the waves to settle down a guy! I’m not sure if Deb was trying to keep me out of the ship’s lounges, but she did sign me up for crafts. Yup guys, you heard right, I got to make my own lei (no comments, please … family paper!). You can just imagine Canada’s least talented “handy man” using a needle, and fresh flowers, trying to make a dainty, yet elegant lei. It was a disaster … I looked desperately for another guy who might be hating this as much as me! Oh no, they all seemed to be enjoying themselves, and some of them made better leis than their wives. I tried to stab myself with the needle so I could quit.

Then the next day, we were off to a wine tasting session. That one, I looked forward to, because let’s face it, it was booze of some sort! The people there were not the types I usually mix with. They were very fancy and had an “air” about them. I watched them so I could try and mimic them, just so I wouldn’t stick out as being uncouth! They all hummed and hawed as the cruise ship’s “wine expert” walked us through where the wines were from, the aromas we were experiencing, and the others seemed to know exactly what to do. They sniffed and swirled their wines, and nibbled on the cheeses.  

“Hmmmm … this one seems to have a nutty scent and a robust fruity taste,” commented one guy with a sweater … a sweater … tied around his neck (who does that anymore)! 

Another lady replied, “yes, but the nutty and fruity taste is very subtle … almost airy.”

“Hmmmm” … I mimicked, “this one has the aroma of sweaty Italian feet, I believe them to be about size 11 or 12 … no, no, I stand corrected … more like 13!” 

Debbie was mortified, but she did stifle a laugh! She was more mortified when I went to drink my “sweaty-feet” red wine. Just after my sniff of the glass and a try at an elegant swirl of the wine, I went to take a sip. Yep, you guessed it, I spilled all down the front of my new Orange t-shirt! I had a wet blotch of red wine going down my shirt, and there was no chance to be inconspicuous. Deb tried to “cover” for me.  

“You can dress him up, but you can’t take him anywhere,” she laughed. I tried to laugh as well, but the red wine stain all over my chest wouldn’t let me!

Day 3 of our cruise offered us a chance to do an island excursion. As we disembarked, we were met by some goofy animal mascot, I think it was a shark … or maybe a sardine. Anyway, this mascot was a bit of a show-off for Debbie. He klutzed around, made her laugh, then at the photo station, he put his “fin” around her shoulders for a picture. That was a bit too much for me, so I shot over! 

“Hey, don’t forget me Sharky,” I called, as I put my arm around him! There was no way some fishy mascot was going to upstage me with my wife on our 25th anniversary cruise! Even now, if you ever see that photo, there’s a cute shark, his fin around Deb, and then there’s me jammed right into his other side so much, that half of his goofy shark nose is scrunched up! Take that, ya big fat tuna!

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)