Responding to attention seeking behaviours in children

Counsellor’s Corner

 

Babies fuss and cry. Toddlers whine and throw toys. Children jump on the couch and teenagers talk back! What do these behaviours have in common? Every child needs and provides clues that they need attention. And needing attention is extremely important because it creates attachment with the child’s caregivers. Children need to establish a bond with adults who will care for them; this creates trust and behaviours which foster future independence. This bonding or “attachment” helps children to build healthy behaviours which contribute towards their overall well being. Think of attachment as a survival strategy. 

What is attachment? Attachment is an emotional bond that connects two people. Adults who respond sensitively and appropriately to a child’s needs will help the child to develop behaviours that foster secure attachment. This attention-seeking behaviour is universal across cultures and is directly linked to a child’s future well being. Researchers have found that children’s attachment patterns are influenced by that of their parents and can be a key component in the development of children’s physical, psychological, behavioural, and developmental well-being. 

How do we build attachment with our children? You’ve seen a mom and a dad holding a baby and gaze into his eyes while talking softly to the child. If the baby cries, then the parents will respond by trying to figure out what the baby needs. Does the baby need a diaper change? Is it time for a feeding, or does the baby require some snuggling? Each of these behaviours begins to build the foundations of attachment and the child begins to learn that when she needs attention, the parents will respond appropriately. The baby begins to build a trusting relationship with her family. These behaviours continue to exist during the lifespan as individuals continue to establish secure relationships in school, at work, and with life partners. 

Here are some tips for building attachment with young children: 

1) Find time to spend with your child and be attentive to him. This can involve putting together a puzzle or going for a walk. Keep your focus entirely on the child and not on all of the “other things” that you need to be doing. 

2) Develop your own skills by learning how to interact with children. Read books about children, attend parenting classes or participate in a playgroup. The Parent Link Centre in Strathmore is a great resource and runs a variety of programs for parents and children. Talk to them about the Triple P Program! 

3) Look for cues from your child. What does your child need at this moment? Are they hungry, do they need a rest, or do they need a hug? They may not be able to tell you in words, so you will need to read their “cues.” 

4) Young children require attention now. They do not understand “waiting” for someone. Be a responsive adult to young children’s needs. 

5) Provide children with a warm and understanding experience. When you are interacting with them, keep your voice calm, touch them often, and show affection and love towards them. 

6) Follow your child’s lead and “play” with them. Do not force the child to follow your desires for interaction. 

7) Avoid overstimulation. Learn to recognize when your child is tired and may need some calming activities. They often don’t know how to say “Stop it, I’m tired!” (Adapted from Brotherson, 2009). 

While a child continues to grow and develop throughout the many phases of childhood, adults can still continue to respond in ways that foster attachment and will continue to build skills as children grow and mature. Make eye contact when speaking to your child or teen, touch them, use a soft voice, recognize and respond to cues, and encourage the child or teen to take the lead in an activity. These behaviours build trust and create an environment which develops healthy behaviours and will assist him/her in future relationships. 

Healthy attachment assists children in developing a sense of security and well-being that is critical in early development and will create the building blocks for future healthy relationships. If you require more information regarding how to develop healthy attachment in children, please contact your local Parent Link Centre. 

(Karin Hitchcock is a member of the Canadian Counselling and Psychotherapy Association. She has a private practice in Strathmore and works with clients across the lifespan.)