My lost and found weekend

Fule for Thought

 

This past weekend, I was the MC for my In-Laws’ 50th Anniversary. Ah yes, I can remember when those crazy kids were just celebrating their 40th! What is 40 anyway? Is it Ruby, or Platinum (as in Visa!)? These two kids were high school sweethearts and my mother-in-law Pat described herself as a little shy girl from the Hamlet of Seebe.  

Anyway, she told us about when she first laid eyes on Kenny. Many of you know my father-in-law, and know that he’s a fun lovin’ guy. He also had a successful career with TransAlta. Pat’s world was going to change, and it all started at Canmore High (or Bedrock High, as I like to joke)! Her Typing class shared a “one way” glass wall with the Ken’s Grade10 Homeroom. As she looked up from her typing, she caught sight of Kenny and his buddies. Actually, the first thing she saw was four little fires from the back of their classroom! Kenny and “the boys” had set their Art projects on fire! This is where lightning struck, or was it utter shock?! Anyway, that is where our “Sandy” met her “Danny Zuko” (Grease movie reference)!

From what I’ve learned from my father-in-law, married life was a lot different from more modern times. In fact, Kenny once asked me (as I was changing my newborn son), “what are you doing? You’re gonna make me look bad! I never changed either of my kids! Now you’re going to be changing a lot of diapers!”  

I had not realized what I had done! I had broken some sort of “man code” where we “brothers” should not show up the generation before us! My punishment would be regular diaper changes and a laughing father-in-law!

On the Thursday heading in to the 50th celebration, Kenny poured me a drink. He had a little left in his as he sat down next to me. 

“Pat, can you re-fill me?” Sure enough, his wife of 50 years, came right over and poured him a new drink! I was in awe and even a little sad, over “what could have been!”

This amazing demonstration by “Kenny the Magnificent” was not yet done. As he looked at his glass, he turned to me and quietly whispered, “watch this: ‘Pat, are we out of ice?’”  

Once again, Pat came quickly over, with ice cubes! To me, Kenny was bathed in a soft golden hue and I even thought I heard angels singing! Everything in the world just seemed “so right” at that time, as if he was showing me a glimpse of paradise! Actually, that’s not so far from the truth, as Pat packs for him on their trips, and even carries in a lot of the luggage! It’s like he’s a climber with his own Sherpa!

The next evening I had to head back to Strathmore for the Stampede Parade. Not far from Canmore, an incredibly loud noise began. I knew right away, I had blown my tire, and sure enough when I got to the shoulder it was a completely flat rear tire. Now, believe it or not, I knew how to assemble the crank to lower the spare, etc. However, after the floor nut for the tire wouldn’t turn anymore, I could not get it to drop to the ground! So, I called my friends at AMA, who assured me I’d get help in “about an hour!” The hour dragged on, and up pulled my “knight.”  

He was a cross between a pirate and a shipwreck survivor! He was little, skinny, had no hair except a tuft on his chin, and many piercings. Not only that, but he was not very happy!

His first words to me were: “can’t change a tire, eh?” 

I was a bit hurt.  

“I can change a tire, but I can’t get the spare to drop.”  

As he surveyed what I had done so far, he too had to try. Nothing, and the spare just hung down uselessly from the chassis. The guy had a brainwave, and thought we could both attack the problem. I would crank the tire down from the inside, he would bang the crap out of the spare tire part! Then he said the following life-changing words to me.   

He was suddenly behind me (what was he, a Ninja?) His words were, “now, you spread your legs and don’t step back!”  

I was stunned, instantly feeling awkward and flustered. Now you know, when I get nervous, I either joke, or laugh.

“What’s so funny,” he grumbled. 

“Oh, nothing, just thinking of a funny line from a movie,” I blurted.  

Yeah right, a prison movie! More laughter from me, more “ice” from the guy. Finally, I was on my way, switched vehicles, and headed to Strathmore. I thought of what I’d learned so far: I’m a “new age” dad as far as Ken’s concerned, I’m still not as handy as I wish, and sometimes my sense of humour has bad timing!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)