Cheaper by the dozen

Fule for Thought

 

One of the definitions for “cheap” is: “stingy, miserly.”

It’s a human trait that some of us have, while others fight it. A friend of mine once told me that teachers had a bad reputation for being cheap. He said in restaurants you could always tell the teachers because they would be figuring out their bills to the last cent! We decided that from then on, we would go out of our way, to put an end to this reputation teachers had … one bar bill at a time! Luckily, for the most part, our pals were not like that, and we all worked to beat this “cheap” stereotype! 

Sadly, not all of my colleagues “got the memo.”

One in particular, “Bill,” took thrifty to a new level. Sometimes at the pub, he’d wait to buy a round for the table until LATER in the evening. It was a good strategy, but I had figured out that by waiting until much later to buy “a round,” there would be less people, and he’d have a much CHEAPER round!! Of course, I’m not the type to let that go by, so a few others and I would tease him about being cheap! Unfortunately, “Bill” took PRIDE in this, and just laughed it off! However, we kept on with a barrage of insults every time this “THRIFTY” guy surfaced! 

It got so bad, that many times, “Bill” wouldn’t order anything to eat. He’d wait us all out, and as people left parts of their meals (feeling too “full”) … he’d THEN offer to “finish off” leftovers so they wouldn’t “go to waste!” 

By the end of an evening, he’d have paid for a much cheaper round of drinks, AND gotten parts of good meals! It was actually a very sad sight to see, and I did cringe that servers would think teachers were cheap, based on THIS guy!

When a person is helped by others in a house move, there is an “unwritten” rule. You supply frosty, refreshing beverages to your pals, because they usually have broken their backs lugging your heavy stuff around! In fact, many of the moves I’ve done had pals call “rests” so we COULD have a beer, and cool off a bit! Not so much with “Bill!”  

As we ended the first of a very heavy day of moving, not only were no beers offered, we couldn’t find any in his house at ALL! Who DOES that? We were carrying his heavy crap up and down stairs, and no beer … no pizzas??!! We were actually depressed, until the SECOND day of the move, when we discovered that his bottom vegetable drawer had a dozen icy, cold beers! We had checked all over, looked in cupboards, and decided not to check that ONE vegetable drawer … AND he sure wasn’t going to tell US! Again, how sad is THAT?!

On this second day, an unfortunate thing happened. It was unfortunate not for all of us, but for a poor, frozen foods salesman. He had innocently arrived at the front door, and was delivering his sales “spiel.”

I happened along, and basically promised the guy if he helped with a few heavy items, we’d get the homeowner to buy some frozen food! We even told him that with this move, the freezer was empty, and “Bill” needed to stock up! The poor guy began lugging in the heavy stuff with us, perfect strangers! He was really a good sport, and I eventually felt a little guilty (that’s the Catholic in me)!

“Bill” was not willing to place an order of course, because that would involve actually PARTING with some money! Not to worry, the others and I berated, insulted, and SHAMED “Bill” to buy some product! We also did not let “Bill” off easily … we made sure he made this salesman’s efforts worth it! That’s what you get for no pizzas, hiding your beer on volunteer pals, and letting some poor schmuck become a SHERPA carrying huge loads up and down stairs! It was a tough day for that poor guy, but we made sure he got a good sale out of it … heck most of US even bought stuff!

I think the WORST example of “Bill’s” THRIFT came at the end of a Grey Cup party. Another of our pals had “imbibed” too much, and we would not let him drive back to Calgary.  

“Bill” eagerly volunteered to let “Frank” stay overnight in a spare room on a waterbed. We actually thought this was an example of a new “Bill” coming out … a generous one. That was until the next day when we asked “Frank” how the night went.  

He said he froze all night and ached, BECAUSE to save money … “Bill” would never plug IN his waterbed! A waterbed can often take a full day to heat up, but “Bill” let this poor guy suffer all night in a bed with tiny, little ice bergs IN the actual bed! I’d like to say “Bill” changed his ways after this and more insults, but sadly, he had taken being cheap to an art form! Oh well, someday, maybe he’ll get a taste “of his own medicine” … and it will be EXPENSIVE medicine!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)