Drive my car

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

Before I start this latest column, I did hear a joke on the radio that I thought might appeal to some of my rural readers. You know, when you have to walk out to the old outhouse when “nature calls!”
Anyway, there was a travelling ventriloquist, whose car broke down at an out of the way farm. The farmer said he could stay the night, but he’d have to sleep in the barn with the animals. The hired hand walked the ventriloquist to the barn to help get him settled. Well, the ventriloquist thought it’d be funny to throw his voice, and make it seem like the cow talked. So, he did, and the hired hand was flabbergasted!
“Did you hear that cow talk?” he asked the stranger.
The ventriloquist replied, “well son, I have a way with animals, and they’ll actually talk to me. Watch.”
The ventriloquist had the barn cat say a few words, and again the hired hand was shocked.
“You see, I can make animals talk to me”, he stated.
The hired hand blurted out, “yeah, well, just so ya know, whatever that damn sheep says, he’s a damn liar!”
This past week, my wife Debbie’s principal, had a major landmark of a birthday. Now, it’s not polite to talk about a lady’s age, but the heat from that birthday cake forced a lot of the teachers out of the staff room! The night before, we had to set up for this “cake bonfire,” and had to deliver balloons and decorations to the school. Now, in my defense, the back of the SUV was full of decorations and helium balloons. It’s true that our new SUV has a colour backup screen on the dash, and it has warning lights on the side mirrors as well as a backup alarm that beeps when something is behind you. We also have side mirrors that actually tilt down to show you the curb as you reverse. It’s also true, that with all these safety features, I still backed up into my son’s car! BAM! The first word out of my mouth was “sorry.”
You see, this SUV is Debbie’s baby. I’m the guy who buys a 1994 Mustang … twice … she’s the one who gets her purchase right on the first try!
Deb was actually quite calm, and when we surveyed the scene, there was surprisingly no damage to either vehicle! Now, “The Walking Dead” was on, and that’s a show where I am so scared and focused, that I’m aware of little else. In fact, there have been episodes where I’ve been so scared, I’m not sure if my bladder didn’t empty a bit! Twenty minutes into the show, Deb came down and whispered, “did you tell Brennen yet?”
“Tell me what?” Brennen asked, with a look of suspicion on his face. So, I explained the whole thing and reassured him that everything was fine and there was no damage. Silence followed.
“Huh,” Brennen said. “You always taught us to be honest. When were you planning to be honest?”
“I’m sorry, I got watching the zombies … I forgot!” I lamely replied.
Brennen stared at me and with a sarcastic tone (much harsher than necessary, by the way) stated, “you know, something like this shows a guy a lot about another guy’s character.”
He had me … I was a goner, and all I could do was keep apologizing while the show was paused.
I tried the old ‘husband strategy’ of changing the subject.
“You know what protected your car Brennen was all the layers of dirt on it. When’s the last time you washed it?”
“Nice try, Dad. You hit my parked car with one of the top Safety Rated SUVs on the market,” he mocked.
So, while he refereed basketball, I decided I’d, you know, make up for this. I gassed up his beast, and took it to the car wash. The first stall kept dropping all my coins through, and I had to back out to another one. The only thing on my mind was “don’t hit anything!”
So, I put down the driver’s side back window to see, got into a stall, threw in the coins, and proceeded to spray the hot, soapy water through that same back window that I hadn’t raised!
It was only for a few seconds, but enough to bring a lustrous sheen to his back seats! This time, I ‘fessed up right away, and told him he had the shiniest back seats in town! Sometimes “it takes a village to raise a dad” and teach him that honesty is the best policy!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)