Tantrums and meltdowns: helping your child to manage their emotions

Counsellor’s Corner

 

You’ve seen them, either at home or in public. You know, the kids who seem to “lose it” immediately and can have a meltdown which can go from 0 – 90 in only a few seconds! It may involve screaming, flailing on the floor, crying loudly, hitting, kicking or other destructive behaviours. It’s terribly embarrassing for parents and shocking for others to see. 

Parents are often perplexed by these outbursts of negative emotions and don’t often understand how to help children learn to deal effectively with meltdowns and tantrums. Called “emotional regulation,” teaching your child how to manage his/her emotions is an important developmental step and is similar to teaching toilet training or learning to share. Children don’t come with the built-in ability to know how to manage their emotional responses. Research has shown that coaching your child to manage emotions effectively is also linked to increased school performance, more successful social relationships, and improved self-confidence. This often assists children in learning to deal with their “inner worlds” and become better at problem solving when they are experiencing emotional turmoil. 

How does this happen? First of all, it’s important that parents recognize that emotions are extremely complex and children may not understand what is happening to them. This is often the cause for meltdowns or tantrums. As a parent, try to stay calm, recognize that this behaviour is not deliberately questioning your authority, accept the emotion, validate the child’s feelings and say something like, “It must be frustrating when someone takes your toy” or “that really made you angry.” 

Teach children to label the emotion and to use words when talking about the emotion. For example, a child may scream when frustrated but you may say something like, “you seem frustrated but I cannot understand what you want unless you use your words. Try again.” 

Preparing for an outburst can also be helpful. Come up with a plan (with your child) for dealing with challenging feelings. Emotions come in “waves” and usually build, crash, and then subside. During the building phase, pay attention to your child’s body signals. Children may tremble, turn red in the face, clench their fists, or grit their teeth. You may want to say, “I see that you are getting angry. What can you do to calm down?” 

At this point, you may ask your child to have a quiet time, do some deep breathing, or choose something that will assist the child in developing some calming behaviours. Older children can learn “self talk” which can include saying things like, “I can handle this because everyone makes mistakes.” 

Remember to praise your child when he/she exhibits efforts in regulating emotions. 

And finally, as a parent, model and talk about your own strategies for staying calm. If you do get angry and fly off the handle, repair the situation. Apologize and tell your child that you make mistakes but you will try to be better about remaining calm. Talk about what you need to do to be more in control. As difficult as it is, it’s extremely important to model good strategies for staying calm in difficult situations. Talk about your own emotions and use words to label what you are feeling. Children who learn to use emotional language often have more control over their own behaviour. Dealing effectively with your own emotions teaches your child strategies for successful emotional regulation. 

(Karin is a Certified Canadian Counsellor and has a private practice in Strathmore. She has worked extensively with families and children in learning to successfully cope with anger, grief, and other emotional challenges.)