Poor, poor pitiful me!

By Pat Fule Random Thoughts

I feel I can trust you. I mean, not as in “with my life” kind of trust, but the kind where I feel you won’t judge me. But who am I kidding? if I were about to read what I’m about to write, I might judge me a bit too!
My daughter Breanne and her sister-in-law play a game when they’re out, where if you hear the other make a judgmental (or “judgy”) comment, the one who judged has to take a drink. So, maybe pour yourself a drink, unless you’re reading this at 9 a.m.! But then I’m not going to judge you, or I’d have to take a judgy drink (this could go on for a while)!
I have a magnetic personality. Now before you do actually judge me as being cocky, I seem to sometimes attract the dumb things in life. Case in point, my “waterbed story.”
Since I have no idea if you’re a new reader or a seasoned one with this column, I will add the “old” story to some new ones. Years ago, I had help from a friend moving a waterbed to our unfinished basement. We had taken off one of the frame boards and loosened the screws on the other sides so it could be folded for moving. My friend had to leave, and this (like the ladder event) left me alone with a chore. I had built the platform and screwed back the missing board of the frame, but I needed Deb’s help to move it to the platform to attach it. Of course, when I asked for help, it was met with laughter.
“Look, just take that side, and help me lift the frame over there and I can attach it to the bed’s platform,” I stated, in what I thought were sensible steps. More laughter.
“Look, just help me move this frame over,” I repeated. Deb blurted out between laughing fits, “look where you put it together!”
I looked. I had built the frame around the basement telepost! There was no way to move the frame because the telepost was in the middle of the bed’s frame!
Last year, we had my two Hungarian cousins out for a visit. Here’s a tip: don’t send Facebook messages to far off relatives after Christmas “spirits!”
Anyway, they were very nice young ladies and we took them to the barn on the east side of Strathmore for a supper, and to see the beautiful sunflowers on display. While my cousins took photos of the sunflower field, I stood against the fence. Suddenly, my butt was stung! I looked for bees and even strained my ears to try and hear their warning buzzes. No buzzes. Just another sting! What the H*L* was getting me, I thought. That’s when the third “sting” happened. One of the organizers stated (too matter of fact, I might add! Judgy drink!): “If I were you, I wouldn’t touch that fence… it’s electrified.” Yes, yes it was. Now when this type of thing happens, there is no saving of face. Saving of butt, yes… but not face. So, I had to join the others in laughing!
As I’m writing this column, Deb and I are dog sitting Gus. He’s a black, white and brown Bernedoodle. He’s part Bernese Mountain Dog and part Standard Poodle. Did I mention he’s scared of thunder? He just heard a boom and tried to crawl up in my lap. Did I add that he’s 100 pounds? His climb didn’t work. But it did remind me of an earlier disaster when he was a puppy. It’s here that I need to know that you really won’t judge me. For whatever reason, Gus always follows me into the bathroom. He seems to feel we’re close enough that he gets to be there with me! Now in my defense, Gus was smaller and lighter then. His breed also has fur between their foot pads, so he’s very quiet when he walks. We keep his water dish in the walk-in shower, so he doesn’t make a mess when he drinks, because he sloshes, splashes and slobbers when he drinks. Anyway, I was standing at the toilet relieving myself, when out of the blue he shoved his head between my legs! He had made no noise; he was like a ninja! There was no way to stop what I was doing, and I screamed! I’d like to say that it was a deep, manly bellow, but I can’t lie to you. It was a high-pitched screech. I stopped what I was doing and looked down at a wet dog! I pulled him back and began the cleaning process of his head while relatives gathered at the door. They probably thought I was having a stroke, and perhaps I did have a slight one because the dog and me were both in shock! Here we are a year later, and Gus still follows me into the bathroom. I keep a sharp eye and ear out though. I mean, there’s being close to a dog, and then there’s disturbingly close!
(Random Thoughts is a slice of life humorous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, current mayor, husband, father and grandfather – Pat Fule. He is also a former town councillor, high school teacher and coach. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)