The ABCs of psychology: V is for Valentine’s Day

By Rachel Dundas, R Psych, CPT Times Contributor

As Feb. 14 approaches, images of love, romance, flowers and chocolate are everywhere. Red and pink hearts line store shelves, jewelry stores kick their advertising campaigns into full gear, and kids come home from school with hearts covered in flaky red Crayola smears.
But … what if your relationship isn’t all love, romance, flowers and chocolate? At some point or another, many individuals report feeling as though their relationship has changed or that they have drifted apart from their partner. These feelings can cause individuals to question the health of what is considered one of the most important relationships we have in life. The reality is that these thoughts and struggles are normal and common.
What can couples do to keep their relationships fulfilling and healthy, especially when they are struggling? Where should you start when it feels like your relationship is crumbling or stagnant?
Engagement
Research by Dr. John Gottman shows that couples who have the strongest relationships are those who engage one another. When you or your partner make a bid for one another’s attention (“hey honey, look at this picture!”) do you give each other the focus and attention being sought? What about vice versa? Couples studied by Gottman who had higher rates of engagement were more likely at a seven-year follow-up to be happy in their relationship, and to report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
Communication
Each person has unique communication patterns, some healthier than others. Are you and your partner able to clearly and calmly resolve conflicts without falling into patterns of anger, blame or withdrawal? Many people from all walks of life struggle with healthy expression of emotions. Reflecting on your own feelings before trying to express them to your partner, and focusing on sharing how you feel (versus focusing on all the things your partner has done wrong) are important first steps to establishing healthy communication.
Personal adjustment
If we are not healthy, it is hard to give our best selves to others. Personal struggles that impact us at work, play or in relationships need addressing. Working to understand yourself and change any unhealthy patterns that exist in your life can be as simple as taking up a hobby, spending more time alone or joining the gym. Not all issues are solved so easy, so having someone you can trust to support you as you focus on your personal adjustment may also be helpful.
(Rachel Dundas, R Psych, CPT is a Registered Psychologist, Certified Play Therapist and the Executive Director of Wheatland County Counselling Inc. in Strathmore)