E-mails I need to send …
Pat Fule
Fule for Thought
So, once again “Spring has sprung” … I know there’s an old poem by Ogden Nash about that, but Spring being sprung also means that I (once again) am on a path to lose weight! Rather than bore you with my plan, I thought I’d show you the e-mails I have to send out. So, here we go:
• Dear Doc, I’ve bought that dumb book you recommended on how people are too hooked on meat, and need to switch to fruits and vegetables. I just want you to know that while the book has some great ideas … I still hate it.
• Dear Brennen, Abbey, Breanne, Kody, Sheldon, Steve, Bob, Brad, Ken, Richard, James, and Gerald … I can’t come out to play much anymore, and if I do, I’m supposed to try lemon water and a salad, or greens. Greens … that’s what my supper used to eat, as in beef, as in cattle! I hate greens.
• Dear Feet, I know you’re there, it’s just that sometimes when I stand and look down … I don’t always see you anymore! I hope that in the next month or so, I’ll be able to see you more often!
• Dear Scale, you suck. I can see you in my mind, and you’re always on it, which is weird because I hate you so much! You always let me down, and always give me bad news! You need to change your attitude, mister!
• Dear Willpower, it’s been a long time! Where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in about seven years! I need you to try and take the next train, or whatever you travel by nowadays … and help a fella out! I know you probably have others you need to help, but come on, I haven’t used you in a long time!
• Dear Treadmill, I’m sorry you sat collecting dust these last months, and I’m sorry the weather’s so nice … I won’t be on you for a while (that sounded pretty bad, when I think about it!). I’m also sorry I used you to store stuff on, like coats … my marking! I’ve also got to warn you that when I do climb on, you’re going to notice I’m a bit heavier … sorry about that! Good thing you have that heavy duty motor!
• Dear Sweat, you and I are going to be really good friends … starting today! We’ve been apart for quite awhile, but I think it’s time we got reacquainted. Yeah, I know we haven’t really missed each other, and I really don’t like you that much, sweat … but we have to work together. We have to put our differences aside for the next while!
• Dear Runners, like Treadmill, I have to apologize for what’s about to happen to you! I have to go waddling and thundering along the pathways, and you have a big job! It’s like that old Beatles’ song that goes: “Boy, you gotta carry that weight, carry that weight a long time.” I know it’s gonna be rough, but hey, you’ve had it pretty easy for a long time! You’ve been sitting on Treadmill doing nothing for months now! Suck it up … I have to!
• Dear Second Helping, I’m sorry, but we’re through. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m just not good enough, you can do so much better! I’m sure there are plenty of nice, middle aged guys you could be with. Someday, you’ll thank me for this. Maybe not now, or tomorrow, but someday, you’ll find that special guy who’ll be with you always, and always count on you! Don’t look back, I want to remember you just like you are … a second helping of roast turkey, stuffing, and buttery mashed potatoes. Go now, before I change my mind, and we both grow to hate each other! Sniff, sniff … sob!
• Dear Pie, our friendship is over! You have fooled me for the last time … with your sweetness, and taste, and … goo! I’m done!
• Dear Pizza, no matter what you may have heard from the others … I can never leave you! “You had me at hello” … well actually, you had me at Mozzarella, Cheddar, and Provolone! I know you’re like that Bryan Adams’ song that goes, “I’m gonna run to you.” But I can’t help it! We have to stay together. I guess while we’re on movie and song lines, there’s one last line for you and me Pizza … “I wish I knew how to quit you!”
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)