By the time I get to Phoenix Three

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

So … for the third straight summer, Deb and I left the cold and rainy 15 degrees of Strathmore for the 45 degrees of scorching and unrelenting sun of Phoenix.
If you’ve been a reader of this column for a while, then you know we go there each summer. Most of the people in Phoenix ask us the same question you’re thinking now … WHY?
If you haven’t been to Arizona in the summer, then you haven’t intentionally sat in an oven, either! I can’t quite describe the heat, it’s like a blanket that wraps around you, tightens, and you can’t escape. At first I thought I was over reacting, when I was hit by that wall of heat, but oh no! In fact, I overheard one local talk about the temperature this way (if you’re eating, you may want to stop). As we were going into Albertson’s for groceries and cold refreshing beverages, the guy said that that he could feel the “crotch soup” starting! Now, that is a horrible thought and image none of us can shake again (sorry if your hot soup just came up)!
I actually wonder how weather men (persons) can take their pay cheque with no guilt. I mean, it’s got to be the easiest job in the world.
“Let’s go to you Bob, in weather.”
“Thanks Stan, it’s going to be sunny and freaking hot for the 33rd day in a row. In fact, I don’t think it will ever not be sunny and hot!”
Deb and I saw one cloud once, and it was a big event! However, we did keep track of the wet storms Strathmore got! Actually, Arizona refers to July as “monsoon season,” where dust storms are often followed by rain. There was a dust storm once … but never any moisture!
Even before we left Canada, I knew I was in trouble. Last year, I burned so badly (except for the shaded area under my man boobs), that I had to wear a t-shirt for most of the holiday there.
This year, I vowed I would not burn, and I’d be sensible in my activities, and what I wore. Since April, I have been struggling with pain in my feet. So, as we raced around packing and leaving the house, I didn’t really clue in to the pain … I just thought “same old, same old.”
That is, until we were in the security line and my left foot started to ache. Now Debbie has always warned me not to joke around in airports, something about missing flights, pat downs, cavity searches, getting tazed … whatever.
So, she was not very pleased as I burst out laughing just before we put all our valuables in the bins. Looking down, I saw that I was wearing two different runners! How was I going to hide this? They were totally different!!
Now, I was raised Catholic, so my first instinct is to always tell the truth, so I confessed! Deb began laughing, too. Then my daughter and her boyfriend joined in! I spent the rest of the time hiding my runners behind luggage, and one of our first stops was a shoe store!
If you’ve never driven in Phoenix, picture Deerfoot Trail on steroids. Yes, it’s the roadway that should have been tested, at least in an Olympic year! In some parts of Phoenix, there are six, count ‘em, six lanes of drivers who follow no speed limit signs! Even their carpool lane is temporary. For a few hours a day, it’s for three or more people. The other times of the day, it becomes the rocket lane where speed limits do not apply, and you can gracefully soar at amazing speeds.
Signaling, that’s for Canadian tourists! On one of Debbie’s many shopping excursions, I sat and chatted with an older Arizona husband. He said the locals actually dread when the Canadian “snowbirds” come back in October, because it adds thousands of cars to the roads!
He said that parking, emissions, and traffic all go crazy. I wanted to say that it also adds thousands of courteous drivers to the city, but as a Canadian, I was too polite!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)