The dirt on chores

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

I’ve come to hate the word “chores.” On any given weekend, we all face them. Just when you think you’ve got the laziest of Saturdays planned, your wife casually mentions that word.
We have very high ceilings in our new house, and we were so impressed looking up at all the pot lights shining down. I must’ve been in a kind of rosy “buyer’s trance” looking up, because I never once thought about how I’d have to climb “Everest” one stupid pot light at a time, to change those stupid things!
This time, I’m getting smart … we’re using LED lights, so they’ll hopefully last longer. Yeah, it’s like I’m facing that whole “Christmas light” thing all over again. Those have to go up soon too, so I’m planning to bribe my daughter’s boyfriend with whiskey for those! Don’t worry … I won’t let him climb impaired!
I’ve noticed that with all of life’s chores, we as a society find easier ways to attack them. In fact, the Fules are on their second Roomba (a robot vacuum cleaner). However, Debbie does force me to use the stupid old fashioned one that involves work. Even then, I find ways to avoid effort if I can. For example, there’s always that one stupid hair clip or paper clip that will not be sucked up. Rather than bend over to pick it up, I find myself going over and over it with the floor brush, praying that it will suck up just once! But oh no, eventually I have to give in, bend over (head rush) and pick it up. Now that’s a chore! We even named our Roomba “Jarvis” because I’ve always wanted my own British butler, and well … that sounded British.
Having been raised Catholic, I’ve always found that I’m confessing a lot. I can’t keep secrets well, and I’m usually not able to lie well. And so today, I’m going to tell you a small secret about my approach to chores. You know those days when the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, and you don’t have the desire or interest to empty and put stuff away? Well, if you’re like me, you let a small stack of dirty things pile near the sink, instead of emptying and re-loading the dishwasher. In fact, I wind up finding a clean plate or bowl from the dishwasher, and then pile it next to the sink! This is not a popular thing to do with Deb around, but there’s a second part to the plan. Now guys, if you’re pressed for time, or the big game is on, here’s what I do. You take those dirty dishes, put them back in the dishwasher with the clean ones, and voila! The dishwasher can be run again, the dishes cleaned, and you’re safe from the wrath of “the wife!”
I mean, when you think about it, you’re actually helping your wife. Not only will the dirty dishes get cleaned, but those other ones will be double clean! I think it’s a win-win! Just don’t rat me out to Debbie!
One chore I don’t do is dusting. Deb has taken on that job, but it’s not like I never help with that. Why, when I’m vacuuming, if I notice an end table is a bit dusty, I’ll whip off a sock and quickly give that table a quick wipe! In fact, if you want a cleaner sweep, just take the doily (I’m sad that I even know that word) and use it to wipe away the dust! Then you simply replace that same doily in the newly dusted spot and you have helped your wife again … you’re welcome Deb!
I’ve been asked to mention the bird cage chore again. Years ago, Deb had two budgies named for beer. Yep, Bud and Pil were cute little birds, but squawky. Once when she had gone camping, she asked me to bird sit. If you’ve ever had birds before, they crap a lot! I wasn’t very interested in pulling out the bottom poo-covered sheet, so I hit on a great idea. Grabbing my parents’ vacuum, I fired that baby up and began sucking the disgusting combination of bird crap and bird seed! It did not dawn on me that this may not have been a bird-friendly decision. As the vacuum roared to its high pitched life, the birds huddled, shivering and screeching in the corner of their cage … feathers flying everywhere! Apparently, they did not enjoy my time saving idea! Luckily, their feathers smoothed out by Deb’s return.
So guys, feel free to use any or all of my time-saving chore ideas. You do need to be pretty quiet about it … I mean, I wouldn’t write a column about it or anything! Luckily Deb doesn’t read my column …
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)