“Hair” – not the musical

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

On the weekend, I got my haircut. I know, you’re probably thinking, “big deal!”
Most men I know though do not like this whole process. The calling in, the booking, not sure who to book as your stylist … there’s so much pressure. You see, my old Hungarian dad, dragged me to his barber for years.
Finally, as my pals’ haircuts looked better and better, and my barber “bowl” looked worse, I was able to break away. “Brian” my old barber, always seemed to have tears in his eyes, when he ran into me, as I was one of the last of the young guys to break it off with him! It actually did feel like a breakup, and I tried my best to avoid him!
That’s why I felt so guilty at my latest haircut here in town. I committed the faux pas of calling in, and not asking for my usual stylist! It didn’t hit me until I was sitting in the chair with another girl! I felt like I’d been caught cheating on my stylist. I know it’s not like we’re dating or anything weird like that, but I had gone to someone else. I hadn’t called, or told either of my regular stylists, that “It was me, not you” … I just went with someone else! Every time one of them walked by, I looked down to avoid eye contact! What a heel I was!
Actually, in the huge mirror in front of you when you get a haircut, I never know where to look. If you look straight ahead, I’m always worried the stylist thinks you’re “checking her out!”
If you look at other people, I worry they think I’m thier stalker! So, that’s why I look down … through the whole haircut. The stylist has to ask me to check and see how I feel about the cut. I don’t know how I feel … I don’t even remember the answer to her first question! What kind of cut do you want? How short do you want to go? Did your last stylist use clippers or scissors? I didn’t know the answers to any of those questions! I felt like a kid who hadn’t studied for a big test! How can you go for regular haircuts and not know what the stylist did? It’s because I’m so stressed about not staring ahead, that I “tune out” during the cut. In fact, there have been times when I’ve dozed off! That’s got to be really helpful to the stylist, when your head suddenly flops forward, or suddenly jerks backward! That’s a good way to get a jugular cut.
Most parents worry that their little kids will cry or scream during their haircuts. Not us … one of us would have to stand next to Brennen, because he’d get that dozy faraway look in his eyes, and nod off, sound asleep! We’d basically have to hold him up, as he slept through the haircut! Then, haircut done, one of us would carry his limp, snoring little body out to the van! Ah, good times.
I never know if you’re a new reader or someone who’s managed to stay on as a ‘regular.’
So, I always worry about repeating myself. In case you are new, or don’t read all that carefully, I made a huge hair mistake with Debbie. I love her hair dark, and one weekend, years ago, I convinced her to color her hair at home. It was just before the first day of school, too. Whatever color it was that I pushed on her, it was the wrong one! Her hair turned out “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark” black! I don’t think it could have gotten anymore black! She was mortified, cried, and panicked about school on Tuesday! To make a long story short, I had to search the Yellow Pages for a salon that could strip away this hideous black, and then they colored it to her natural shade. It was a $300 mistake, I’ll never make again!
So, I’d like to apologize to my regular stylists. This latest one meant nothing to me, it was just a “one time thing!”
It happened this once, and it won’t happen again. I’ve learned my lesson – that you have to be true to your stylist, that is, unless it’s me making a color choice!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)