By the time I get to Phoenix (Part 1)

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

So, the Fules decided to once again go to the beautiful and scorching city of Phoenix. Oh, we don’t go in the Winter when intelligent Canadians do, to find warmth and ditch the big chill.
No, we go in the absolute hottest months of the year! Even store cashiers would ask us: “why on earth would you come down here now?”
In fact, I had a pretty dumb and cocky strategy for the sun. I would not use sunscreen, but only spend 10 minutes in the sun, then go in the shade … then keep repeating this method. Now, that was an idiotic plan, because every time I went in the sun, I had no sunscreen.
So, I slowly roasted and turned a Clamato shade of red! At the end of the day, when I was basically on fire, Deb looked at me first in horror, then with uproarious laughter.
“Look at your burn, but wait, look there,” she said.
I had a very untouched and white strip across my chest. That’s when it hit me, my ‘man boobs’ (moobs) had protected this area! Great, the one benefit of being chunky, also becomes a joke! I really need to get on a fitness plan!
We needed to get me to whatever was open, to buy some burn relief medicine. Of course, that meant finding the nearest WalMart! Now, if you haven’t been to a big American WalMart, you really need to go, just for the people watching! There are so many interesting characters. In fact, when I turned into the sunscreen aisle, I came face to face with a very odd guy. There, right in front of me, was a guy in desert camouflage pants, a tan shirt with a black neck tie, a really old fashioned black haircut, and a ‘Hitler Mustache!’
I actually laughed out loud because he had the same look, same bad haircut, and same little mustache! He did not find anything amusing, and gave me one of my brother’s ‘death glares!’
I wondered why he would go so far as to dress and look like Hitler. I also wondered why I would laugh, when I also know you can carry guns in Phoenix! I decided to “Mach Schnell” the heck out of there! That Hitler guy already had made my dad’s life hell in WWII, he wasn’t going to get another Fule!
On our way back to our place, two billboards caught my eye. Believe it or not, I saw one for a tanning salon! A tanning salon … in Phoenix! Every day there is Summer, and they typically get over 290 days a year with sunshine! Who in their right minds would feel they need a tanning salon in Arizona?!
That’s like selling bags of ice in the Antarctic! Then the next billboard hit me in the face. There, huge colourful letters, announced that the next weekend was “Fix Your Pet Weekend!”
Basically, everyone takes their pets down to a mall, and with prizes, and “fun” activities, Bowser can get his “you know whats” cut off! Who comes up with these good ideas? Was it that WalMart Hitler guy?! Yep nothing says “American Family Fun” like fixing your dog on a Saturday! Bowser’s thinking he’s going for a ‘car ride’ or treats, then with a wag of his tail, he’s snipped! I wouldn’t trust my owner after that … he’d have to drag me into the family mini-van!
We discovered that in Arizona, you can ‘pack heat,’ ride in the back of a pickup truck, you can eat or text on the cell phone, or ride a motorcycle with no helmet! A friend told me this June, that he has a friend who does organ transplants in Arizona, and the doctors have taken to calling these bikes: donor bikes!
He even said that he feels like the “Wizard of Oz.”
He said, “I take out the heart of a guy who rode with no helmet (and didn’t have a brain) and then I put the heart into another person who has a brain, but needs a heart!”
I guess you have to keep a sense of humour when you’re dealing with motorcycle crashes on a regular basis. Deb and I then passed a guy driving and texting with both hands! How he kept his car straight I’m not sure, but we noticed he had a small portrait of Jesus on his dashboard. Right away, we both yelled out, “Jesus, take the wheel!”
Hopefully the guy was able to get some Divine help, I’d hate to hear that doc got another customer.

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)