And Piles to go Before I Sleep (sorry Robert Frost)!

Pat Fule
Fule for Thought

 

I don’t think I’m a vain person. I mean I know I’m a few years beyond a mid-life crisis, and I know I’m no Brad Pitt … I’m comfortable in my own skin. But that doesn’t mean I’ve totally given up on personal improvement. That brings me to this past weekend.
We had family and friends over to celebrate my son’s graduation from university. Taking a look in the mirror, I really noticed the bags under my eyes. It really did look like “I had my bags packed,” so I wanted to find out if the urban myths I’ve heard are true. You know, the idea that supermodels use “Preparation H” to lessen bags and wrinkles! Okay, here’s where my Catholic upbringing kicks in … it’s confession time!
I did buy Preparation H to see if it would get rid of those bags under my eyes!
Actually, buying the stuff is almost as bad as having baggy eyes! I found myself inserting the small package in the middle of my groceries on the checkout till, so no one might see. Of course, then you’re desperately checking to see if anyone you know is nearby, and may see. The last thing I wanted was a pal to shout out something about how I must have PILES of work to do, or something equally as witty and painful! Then there’s the cashier. I couldn’t make eye contact with her … she’d just told a new cashier that she has gotten to know the name of her “regular” (no pun intended) customers. That’s just what I needed … for her to know my name and remember my purchase! Even then, I was trapped. What was I going to say?
“No, no Miss. The cream’s not for my behind, it’s for my baggy eyes!”
Yeah, either way it would be a disaster!
So, I dropped off the groceries and Deb’s Mom and she were unpacking! This was not going as smoothly as I had planned. Luckily Deb thought I was facing a medical crisis versus a make–up one, and she hid the cream in one of our bathroom drawers. I didn’t know if this stuff was going to work, but I figured at the least, it needed time! I dabbed a touch on my finger and worked the miracle ointment in under my eyes. It felt okay, and every now and then I checked, and actually thought it was working. However, the one I bought had a numbing agent I guess, because I couldn’t really feel the skin below my eyes!
This actually reminded me of a time when Deb and I were in the early days of our marriage. She had hurt her neck, and all the muscles had stiffened. We bought one of those mentholated rubs, you know … the deep heating kind. She and I watched TV with her parents while I worked on her neck muscles. Unfortunately for me, I had to go to the bathroom. What happened next is best described from their vantage point. After a few short minutes, there was a high pitched scream from the bathroom!
I (or a certain anatomical part) was on fire! Oh sure, laugh! It was like a combination of fire and freezing! I didn’t know what to do, but suffice to say, I’ve been way more careful since that situation!
Okay, back to our party. My numb face and I had fun during the evening, and I really did feel like the cream was working. Every now and then, I checked the bags, and dabbed just a bit more … until, I slipped and stuck my eye! Again with the fire and ice thing, but this time in my left eye! I splashed water all over my face trying to rinse out this crap! I came out and people must’ve thought I was crying … because I was! As the night came to a very late end, I put my now red swollen eye to bed, with a vow that I’d be way more careful from now on! Sure, you may think I’m being a bit anal and that I must be bummed out that it didn’t work (puns intended!), but I’m going to keep my baggy eyes … I mean, it’s way better than my “cures” have been!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)