West Edmonton Mauled!

Fule for Thought

 

Before I start another attempt at a light-hearted column, I do have to thank some of you for the kind words you’ve given me over the years. I have actually been saving the columns in a Word Document (whatever that is!), and I’m really surprised it’s still going “strong!” 

At least, I haven’t been fired yet, but that would be hard since I’m not getting paid for any of this! My editor seems happy enough, although he can be a bit cranky at times when I’m running late. It’s hard to believe I actually begged and bribed him to let me write this thing!

Most of you know that I’ve now been coaching/teaching kids of all ages for 31 years. However, there are situations when I don’t want to be near youngsters! It’s not yours I mean, because I’m thrilled when I run into kids I know and have taught, or coached. It’s the other kids I mean … the ones I don’t know, in other cities and public places! In fact, Debbie has said I’m getting quite grumpy lately, and I’ve even asked to be moved in a restaurant when some “cute” kid is kicking the back of my booth! I have to be honest about my fibbing here … I’ve even told waitresses that “it’s our anniversary,” so that I can be moved to a quieter location! Look, I’m not proud of this, but sometimes a guy needs to get away from little kids!

Deb and I went to Edmonton this last weekend to shop. That’s Marriage Code Talk for “stab me right between the eyes, and dump me in a highway ditch!” 

Nobody shops as methodically as Debbie … she will leave “no store unturned!”

Edmonton is a disaster, if you think Strathmore roads need some work, I dare you to drive in Edmonton! I have never seen so many potholes in my life. They are everywhere, and the city has marked off areas to be fixed, but no one does anything at these places! The pylons, gravel piles, and machinery just sit at these sites, and the “roads” are riddled with cracks, holes, and the odd miner digging for gold and oil! Get it? Edmonton was supposed to be about the “gateway to oil/gold!” 

Now, it’s just the gateway to never making the NHL playoffs (sorry, Kyle, Jerry, and Doran)!

We were at the West Edmonton Mall this weekend, and I conned Deb into letting me see a movie while she shopped (Captain America, here I come). 

So, I bought the $20 ticket and the $45 regular popcorn/pop, and headed to “Theatre #10.” 

As soon as I arrived for the 12:10 p.m. movie, I realized I had made a horrible mistake. The theatre was filled with young parents and little kids! Then it hit me … I must’ve hit the dreaded “matinee” time! All these parents had brought their little munchkins to the same movie I wanted to see! I sat down in this “sea” of kids who were talking, laughing, and crying through the trailers. I thought to myself: what kind of parents bring two-year-olds to see a violent action movie like Captain America?! 

After four trailers, I was starting to get really annoyed, because I knew there would be nothing but noise through this movie. Again, a kid kicked my seat over and over (man, I hate that)! 

Then the trailer announcer said: “after this next short, stay tuned for Rio 2.” 

I had gone to the wrong theatre (Breanne said I must’ve looked like some old “perv” sitting there by myself with my popcorn). 

When your own daughter says that, it’s not good! I tried to slink out without drawing attention to myself, or having Security tazer me! You see, it all comes back to me not having a sense of direction! Actually, both Brennen and Breanne cannot understand that I like to go to movies by myself. 

They think Dad is a sad, pathetic guy with no friends. Now, that part is true, but I try and tell them that once the movie starts, you’re basically “by yourself” anyway (unless you talk to the other person through the whole thing … or you talk to yourself)!

What is great about “West Ed” is that there are so many unique stores under one roof. You can also do a great deal of “people- watching.” 

You know what’s a surprisingly fun thing to do? There are a few “Love/Sex-Type Stores” in the mall. So … you plant yourself right across from their curtained doorway! As people come out, they desperately want not to be noticed … so I do! I try to make total eye contact with them, so they feel as awkward as I did when I was in that stupid matinee! The best part was when two guys came out together. I really try never to judge, but I do find things funny. I wondered what they thought when I waved at them with my new Captain America “Bobble-Head?”

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)