Sleepless in Strathmore

Fule for Thought

 

Sleep is such an important thing, but it is also one of those things we don’t think about much, until we’re not getting enough. I have been battling insomnia for the past four days. It’s caused me to have more time to think, maybe too much time! One night, I was wondering about the reality show, Storage Wars. I was wondering, what if you were watching one evening, and you actually recognized your own storage locker and your own stuff! It’d be like, “hey, that’s all our stuff … I thought you renewed the rent!? They’re bidding on our stuff!” 

As a kid, I was a crappy sleeper. My mind would get worked up about the various things going on, I’d stress about school and tests … it went on and on. I can distinctly remember sneaking out and hiding behind one end of the couch to watch TV secretly with my parents right there (remember this is the same mom who snored away while we unwrapped and played with a table hockey set!). I will say this, a 7 year old kid should really not try and watch “Twilight Zone” and then try and go back to sleep!

My older brother Gary never had sleep issues. When we shared a room with bunk beds, I used to get so mad that he’d fall asleep so easily, while I tossed and turned! I never told him, but sometimes I’d drop something from the top bunk to try and wake him, so I wouldn’t be the only one still awake! There was only one time when his sleeping became a real issue, and that was more of a sleep walking issue (I read that early in his life, Elvis walked in his sleep, and once woke up outside in his underwear!). Maybe that’s why Elvis used so many pills later on, so he’d stay asleep, and not roam around in his blue suede slippers! Anyway, my brother got up abruptly one early morning and shuffled off out of our room and down the hall. I don’t know why, but I decided to follow. There he was, at our kitchen garbage can … lid up, and he was about to pee there, thinking he was in the bathroom! He was also mumbling something, so I had to wake him. You know, how “they” say you should never startle a sleepwalking person, well I did! I yelled “what are you doing?” at the top of my lungs. He woke up … not very happy, but he did wake up! Gary was a combination of mad, embarrassed, and groggy, but I had saved our garbage can!

Sometimes, even the most dynamic teacher can wind up with a sleepy student in class. Now, I’m not saying I’m the dynamic one, but I do like to have some energy in the room. If someone does doze off during classroom work, I like to let him or her get into a deep sleep. Let him feel cozy and comfortable, so that when I slam a book down next to his head, it really scares the crap out of him! There do have to be some perks to the job! One morning a student fell into what looked like a very deep sleep. I quietly set the room clock ahead by a few hours, and motioned silently for the class to get up, and file out of the room. I had gotten almost the whole class out, when he abruptly woke. He looked up confusedly at the clock, then shot a fast glance our way, as the last few students and I were caught! If only, we had gotten out a couple of minutes earlier … it would have been a great learning moment for this kid!

So, I’ve tried a few methods to sleep that friends have given me. I’ve tried warm milk, a cool room temperature, a “happy hour” beverage, soft noises … heck I even have a clock radio that plays ocean waves or forest noises. I was getting desperate, and even my sleep machine for apnea wasn’t helping. Although, I really think that a part of my problem with sleep is wearing the stupid mask and its hose! I feel like I’m some kind of alien trying to breathe, and even rolling over is a big chore, because you often have to move the hose too. That’s’ how it sometimes gets wrapped around your throat, I guess. I’ve even thought about putting vodka in the water tray …  that would help me sleep! Or would it!? Maybe Deb’s more involved than I thought. I mean, when I snored badly, she did talk about smothering me with a pillow. Maybe these nights I’ve had trouble falling asleep, and breathing, she’s been kinking off the breathing hose! That would explain a lot of things: not falling asleep, my messed up hair in the morning, the mask marks embedded into my face! All these things point to me struggling to stay alive all night! Maybe it’s time to re-check the old will! 

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)