Groundhog Day and Moonshine

Fule for Thought

 

If you’re reading this, well, I’m still a bit surprised! The column has been going for about 2.5 years, and no one’s tried to kill me, or get the paper cancelled! Oh sure, I may have hurt some curlers’ feelings that one time, but hey, it’s not you, it’s the sport, I have trouble with. Anyway, on Monday was our dog’s 14th birthday! He has been a great family dog, and although a bit slower, deaf, and covered with gross warts, he’s still the best. 

Sunday was Groundhog Day, the chance for a small rodent to become a trusted weather reporter. Supposedly, if he sees his shadow, it’s supposed to scare him back into his house (cave), and that means six more weeks of winter. From what I’ve read, he did see his shadow, so we get another six fun-filled weeks of winter! I don’t know if Brodie saw his shadow, as he’d actually have to move and look, to see anything! He has definitely learned to conserve his energy!  He did go on a walk to the mailbox, but that pretty much did him in for the Super Bowl. It’s got to be a great life if you’re a dog on Super Bowl Sunday. There are so many treats, and stuff gets handed to him all through the game!

I read a brief post yesterday about Groundhog Day in the States. One guy wrote: “he saw his shadow. Six more weeks of winter. I shot him. I hate bad news.” 

Now that seems wrong to shoot the messenger. It’s not the vermin’s fault if he sees that shadow, it just happens. I saw my shadow yesterday, too. It scared me, as well, and now I know that means six weeks of dieting. Yes, like many others in the New Year and heading into spring, I struggle to get back to my “fighting” weight. Of course, lately, my fighting weight is getting dangerously close to a SUMO fighter’s weight!

In order for any of us to “trim down,” it’s going to take solid changes in our lifestyles. The night before Groundhog Day, for example, I found myself watching a reality show called “Moonshiners.” This is a show about modern moonshiners secretly making their own whiskey, bottling it, and shipping it to distributors while the police are searching for them. I felt a little guilty, because I was drinking a whiskey/Coke while they were fighting to stay ahead of the law! This will have to be one of the lifestyle changes I make … less frosty beverages! As I watched the show, though, I pictured myself as one of them: toothless, overalls with no shirt, maybe a big wad of “chew” in my mouth, and having closed captioning under whatever I say! These guys make the “shine” in the woods, camouflage it, and when it’s ready, they fill plastic milk jugs to deliver it. I guess this is where NASCAR got its birth, because they talked about having to have the fastest cars to out run the law.

I wondered though, if they had it right. Wouldn’t “stealth” be a better way to transport illegal moonshine? This moonshiner drove a Black 1970s a Black Le Mans with a huge engine that actually roared! I actually read that 40 per cent of Americans drive white or silver vehicles. So … if you’re a smart moonshiner, why not pick a vehicle that blends in more? Here’s where I would have an advantage, if I was a moonshiner. We have a 10-year-old silver Chrysler mini-van. There are tons of these vehicles scooting around the country. What I’d do is use that as my moonshine runnin’ vehicle, and I’d hire an older person, maybe someone in their early 80s (better yet, an 80 something relative). What kind of “Smoky” would pull over that driver driving the speed limit, loaded down with a huge amount of illegal booze? I mean, even if my grandma was pulled over, who’s going to throw her in jail? All she’d have to say, is she wondered why there were so many jars of vinegar in the back of the van! Not that I’d ever use my grandma (don’t even have one), but Deb’s mom on the other hand, would be perfect. Many of you know Pat … she’s early 70s, cheerful, drives well – she’d be the perfect “mule!”  

Mule – “delivery person for illegal merchandise or contraband.” 

I can picture it now, she’d be haulin’ my moonshine in our silver van, Kenny riding shotgun, telling her she’s going the wrong way, the GPS directing them to the drop-off point! I think it might be a perfect plan. Now, I’ll just have to buy some corn, pots, and tubing, and I’ll be able to supplement my income! I wonder if the in-laws are free in six weeks!

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)