50 ways to leave a learner
Pat Fule
Fule for Thought
First of all, in case you didn’t notice … I’m back! Only the Fules would leave sunny 27 degree weather here and go to sunny 42 degree weather in Phoenix! Congratulations to all you Germany fans for your World Cup win, and a special shout out to a former English student of mine, Carlotta, who has returned home! She has been one of my faithful 33 readers, so I thought I’d try out my German.
“Carlotta, sie waren ein ausgezeichneter Schuler, und wir werden Sie ver missen!”
So … I’m not really 50 anymore, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t learned some things that may be of benefit to some of you! So, without further ado, here are 50 things I’ve learned by 50:
1. When your wife says “it’s fine” … it’s NOT.
2. Don’t wear a light blue dress shirt in public … EVER.
3. If someone offers you a “shot,” always say no to a “Prairie Fire.”
4. Water wings are not just for little kids!
5. It’s okay for guys to buy feminine products … they’re not for you.
6. Don’t expect to remember the person’s name you were just introduced to.
7. Avoid ending sentences with a preposition (see # 6).
8. Don’t wear pleated pants to a house party. When you sit, it looks like you’re really happy!
9. Just because you know the bride’s history, don’t laugh out loud when you see her in white at the church.
10. After your Grade 12 Grad and you feel sick, remove the bedroom window screen.
11. Don’t wear light tan shorts and sit in the hot sun.
12. Never get a speeding ticket with your kids in the car.
13. Always dry your hands thoroughly before leaving the men’s room.
14. Just because there’s a big guy with white hair and a beard on his cell phone in a bar, don’t ask, “how is Mrs. Claus?”
15. Cold water and weather have a unique effect on men.
16. Public restrooms can be pretty gross. In a mall, head toward The Bay or SEARS … they’re used by less people.
17. On a similar note for the guys … the stall closest to the urinals is the one used the least (read this in an article, believe it or not!).
18. If you’re a teacher, expect comments about babysitting, being overpaid, and having off summers.
19. If you’re seated at a banquet, and get introduced … stand up and hold onto your tie if there’s a cup of coffee in front of you.
20. Never tell your daughter that you originally wanted a second boy, but you’re happy now.
21. When your wife says to answer any of your kids’ questions on sex, make her!
22. If your wife shrinks your favorite cloth neck tie, say it was a crappy tie.
23. When your in-laws have returned from a flight, don’t ask your mother-in-law, “how was the broom?”
24. Never stand close to a urinal and press the “flush” button.
25. When at a urinal, be prepared for an idiot friend to spin you around!
26. In your 50s, expect a “full” night’s sleep to have one bathroom trip.
27. It’s okay for dads to do the 2 a.m. feeding and change diapers. Maybe they’ll change you later!
28. If you buy a puppy for the family, never return it … even if you’re allergic!
29. The hot lid on a portable fire pit should not be dropped on the grass.
30. Always compliment your wife, let her go through doors first, and you should walk on the road-side of the sidewalk.
31. It’s okay to be tasered (see # 30).
32. Don’t teach a young kid to play video games. I haven’t beaten Brennen at one since he was seven!
33. In a pub crawl, don’t try to keep up to your father-in-law.
34. You will have lost people you love, and some unexpectedly.
35. If you walk into the guys’ PE Change room to make sure they haven’t killed each other, expect some “choice” comments!
36. Reply with, “don’t flatter yourself!”
37. When your kid is young and impressionable, don’t tell him that some random young guy with long hair, is Wayne Gretzky.
38. If you’re at your first dinner at your girlfriend’s parents’ house, don’t go for seconds and thirds.
39. Don’t offer to be a pal’s “wing man” when you’re 50 and have been married for half your life!
40. Make sure you know positive from negative when you boost a car.
41. When your wife says “don’t worry about it,” worry about it.
42. When staying in a motel, leave a tip for the chamber maids.
43. If you hate water, don’t volunteer for the dunk tank.
44. Time is relative … the more bored you are, the slower it goes.
45. Don’t tell your priest you want to be married in his church because “it’s the biggest one in town.”
46. There are a lot of “dives” in World Cup Soccer.
47. Don’t start to get ready too soon, for a night out. Give your wife a head start … rent that movie after all!
48. It’s okay to be 50 and like The Backstreet Boys.
49. Take the stairs as much as you can.
50. Find a way to be as happy as you can be, each day.
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)