A letter to “Doc”

Fule for Thought

 

Dear Doc,

How are you? I am fine. I am trying my hardest to follow your advice about diet and exercise. However, wings on Fridays is just too much of a temptation … I can’t help it … it’s like they’re calling me! This latest time at the pub, a couple did try to stop me from the beer/wings. I’m ashamed to say that I may have actually growled at them! I am following your advice about not eating after 8 p.m., but does a big bowl of cereal count? It’s the nightly ritual for my dog and me. He likes Frosted Flakes, but I try to eat something with less sugar … like Fruit Loops! Lol. I did change the way I eat hamburgers at home. I use two big Romaine lettuce leaves to replace the bun … my family thinks I’m nuts. If they do bring some formal “papers” to sign, please don’t. I don’t think I’d look good in a white straight jacket, and you’re not supposed to wear white after Labour Day!

I did want to mention in this letter that I hate your weigh scale. I don’t think it’s very accurate … it’s always about six pounds heavier than my scale at home! I finally start feeling pretty good about things, and then your scale hits me “right between the eyes.”  

It’s like gambling on the slot machines at Vegas, you hit one good machine, it “hits” … then the next one does nothing … no lights … no 7s …. no bells … just heavier, and bigger numbers! Doc, no offense, but you might want to get that scale tested … maybe it’s faulty!

You know Doc, I’m also feeling lately, that this whole “lose weight” thing is a pretty small thing in the overall scheme of things. I mean, I watched “The Universe” documentary on the Discovery Channel. Do you know that in 1.75 billion years, the Sun is going to start to expand, and pull the Earth into it? The oceans will even boil, and evaporate. Before being roasted to nothingness, the Earth is going to be a parched and barren place! I mean, here I am worried about a few pounds, when the whole planet is in trouble! This is way more of a problem than some old, chunky guy’s weight!

Doc, you did tell me that you’re “taking a leave” to examine retired life and other opportunities. I just need to know one thing … was it me who drove you out of the profession? I tried to be a good patient; I didn’t cry at my vasectomy (although I wanted to!) … I tried to be a brave little soldier. I know I let you down a lot on meeting my weight goals, but that’s no reason to leave! I mean, aren’t you going to miss our times together? You know … how you always stick that flu shot in my arm when I least expect it!? Let’s not forget our back and forth banter: you telling me I’m obese, and that I should have a “living will” done, in case something happens, and EMS aren’t sure whether to save me or not! Let’s not forget the happy news when you told me that at 53, I had the “heart health” of a 64 year old! Those are times you just can’t get back, Doc! And I don’t want to even think about the “old prostate check!” Good times, good times.

Our last appointment was a real happy time for me … what with you and all those insurance forms for me to get done, your stupid, malfunctioning scale again, the EKG you said I should have, all those blood and urine tests, all the little touches that made me feel special! I know that there will be a replacement who’ll probably take good care of me, but there’s only one “Doc!” 

I’m going to make you proud, and I know you’re off to bigger things. Your staff, the other patients, and I want you to know we’ll take care of this place and get used to the change. But if you do come back, you’re going to see that my scale has replaced your crappy one!

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)