A Christmas band aid
Pat Fule
Fule for Thought
So another Christmas has come and gone, and as well, another New Year’s Eve. I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Eve … to me it’s the ugly cousin of Christmas. Oh, you know what I mean … you may have to dance with him/her, but it’s not always pleasant! This Christmas, I got a technological gift from Deb and my son. It’s called the “Nike Fuel Band,” and I’m hoping my son didn’t buy it because he can’t spell well (get it, Fuel … Fule? … LOL).
It’s a band you wear and once it’s programmed, it shows time, calories burned, steps taken, and energy units of “fuel” used. I love the gift, but it did feel like it had a double meaning. You know, “Merry Christmas Dad, you’re too fat … here’s something to help ya with that!”
It’s kind of like if you’re pale, and somebody buys you a tanning bed to fix that!
Oh well, it’s very cool, and it IS much needed, as I have been a bit of a “grazer” all Christmas. I should also appreciate it, because they do want me to get healthier. If they remembered that I’m worth more to the family DEAD, they might not even have bought this! I could have been given Bungee Lessons, a white-water raft trip, or sky-diving gift certificates! They must care about me, I guess. Anyway, I wear the band on my right wrist all day and I can go online to track my progress. This is pretty easy right now, as there’s BEEN no progress. It’s kind of embarrassing to see how FEW calories I’ve burned, or steps I’ve taken!
The REAL problem is that a few days ago, Brennen walked me through “syncing” my band with his iPhone. When we were done, I asked why we did this. To my shock, he replied, “now I can see whenever you work out, or not … I can track what you’re doing!”
“Track what I’m doing … what’re you, my WARDEN?”
Is this “The Biggest Loser? I feel like Lindsay Lohan, only she has an ankle band for monitoring! Brennen, this is like house arrest, I don’t want you to know when I’m slacking or not!”
“Too late, Dad … you gotta answer to me now, it’s time you got back in shape” was his reply.
So now, I have an exercise band that sends information to my son in Nova Scotia. From way out there, HE can monitor me … and know when I’ve exercised or not. This sucks, because there is no hiding from him. I mean, what’s next? How do I know Nike won’t add some tracking “app” so he can tell where I am!
“Uh Dad, why are you at another pub? Why did you stop at the A&W Wednesday after school?”
This could be disastrous for me … where are my rights? How did a simple gift become this “Big Brother” thing? Just my luck, Nike will find a way for that kid of mine to send an electrical shock to the band whenever I wimp out on a workout!! I’m doomed, I tell ya!
The proof of this came this past Saturday. We were dining out with friends and I took off the band to show it to my pal, Richard. Within less than a minute, I got a text from Nova Scotia that read: “you know, if you take off the band, it’s cheating.”
He could tell from across the country that it was off! The stupid band had sold me out … he got a notice on his iPhone from my band! I really AM under House Arrest!
There’s definitely no hiding from my new “trainer,” I’ll just have to get serious about training.
Or will I? As of now he can’t actually see me! So, if I were to say, hire some kid with a paper route to wear my band, Brennen would think I’m walking all over this town! I also have a lot of guys on the SHS Basketball team who could wear it during practices! He’d think I’m really taking this fitness thing seriously! That way, I could still go where I want, do what I want, and he’d be proud of my progress!! Hah, this could actually work! I may have found a way to beat the surveillance … I wonder if this is what Lindsay Lohan does, too?!
Footnote: While writing this column, I got a phone call from Brennen, to tell me I’d been pranked! At the supper out, DEBBIE had texted him as soon as I took off the band! So, I guess he really can’t tell when I take it off … I’m safe! He can still track my progress, but I get to be free, after all! I have been stressing for hours about him knowing when I remove the band! I guess it’s an early April Fool’s prank!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)