Un-Handy Man II: Revenge of the Waterbed
Pat Fule
Fule for Thought
Again, I’d like to dedicate this column to all the other men out there, who are less than handy in household, yard, mechanical, metal, or wood repairs. I’m with you, brother (Can I get an “Amen”?!)!
This is the sequel to my struggles on the roof, during my earliest attempts at fixing something in a house.
“Back in the day” waterbeds were very popular. They were nice and warm in winter, they moved a bit to rock you to sleep, and they still supported your weight. In that same first house, we had decided to take apart (disaster spoiler alert!), and move the bed to the lowest level of our split-level. So, a friend and I took it apart and moved everything to the basement. Unfortunately, he had to leave, and I was left to my own devices.
I set up the platform so that it was even, level, and square (insert applause here!). Then I worked on screwing the edge of the bed-frame together into its proper square shape. I had thought that assembling it on the floor, then moving it to the bed for its attachment to the bed platform was quite logical. Proudly, I called for Debbie to come down so that she could help me carry it to the platform where it would be screwed down (she came, she saw, she laughed).
I said, “great, I get it … it took a long time, and it’s still not done!”
This was met by louder and longer laughter (I was now getting frustrated!). Now, Deb’s laughter became those silent ones, where you can’t speak, and your eyes tear!
Debbie frantically pointed to my newly built frame.
“I can’t help you,” she choked out.
“Look Debbie, it’s not that heavy, it’s close to the platform, we’ll carry it over … no big deal!”
“Look where you’ve built it, Pat!”
Those were the only words she could get out, before laughing again. There to my shock, was the answer. I had assembled the bed frame (and perfectly, I might add) AROUND the basement telepost!
So … in other words, there was no way to move the frame as the pole was stuck in the center of the frame! Quickly, I fixed the mistake as Debbie returned upstairs laughing (she might’ve also been calling her parents to tell them the news).
So, we put the frame on the platform and I screwed it in place. Then came the mattress, and the filling of water began. I actually overfilled the mattress and had to get a hose (luckily, we had a floor drain in the unfinished basement)!
Debbie arrived in time to see me sucking on one end of the hose at the floor drain, so that it would empty into the drain. Nothing was happening … I kept sucking on the end of the hose, hoping it was clean. Once more, my efforts were met with laughter (this was starting to get old).
In between her laughs and tears, she blurted out, “shouldn’t you connect the other end to the mattress?!”
Wow … I had forgotten to do that! I was sucking on the end of a hose that was never attached to the mattress! My cheeks were sore (so was my pride), and I sadly walked to the bed to connect the hose. Eventually, I was able to drain the bed to the right amount, and once again, I became the master of this home improvement task.
We wound up getting rid of our two waterbeds before we moved to our next house. I agreed with Deb that they might be bad for our backs, but really I just wanted to ditch the “bad handy man” evidence.
I think her sister got the waterbeds … I secretly hoped they had a basement with lots of teleposts!!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)