Un-handy man

Fule for Thought

 

This column is dedicated to all the men out there (like me) who are less than handy with tools and fixing things. Just because we’re manly men, doesn’t mean we necessarily know the difference between a Robertson and a Philips screwdriver. I mean, is it fair to automatically assume we know what to do in certain mechanical or repair jobs? Sadly, I have passed this lack of knowledge onto my son, as well. Last year, on a freezing cold day, his car wouldn’t start. We lifted the hood, looked at it for a few minutes, then laughed, as neither one of us even knew what we were looking at!

Years ago, after buying our first house, I decided to go on the roof to check  our fireplace chimney. It was a really warm November morning, so it was perfect to climb up on a roof (this also should have been a warning sign!). So, I raised the extension ladder against the front of the house, and actually the ladder was upside down, so I’m still not sure how I made it to the roof. I had a trusty flatblade screwdriver (if that’s the correct name) with me. Deb was having a bubble bath upstairs … and I just realized this might actually make me sound like a “peeping tom” up there! I went straight to the chimney to unscrew the chimney cap. However, the screws on my side were “Robertson” and I had the flatblade. So, I tapped on Deb’s window to ask for a Robertson. She quickly threw on clothes and brought me one. The two screws came out easily, I was like Mike Holmes! Then I noticed that the other two were Philips screws, so once again, with the tapping. Less cheerful, Deb again brought out the right screwdriver! She tossed it up again, and I went to work. Having taken them and the cap off, I realized I had no idea what I was looking for, anyway! I mean, if you’re looking for a build up of soot, and the whole chimney is black, it’s a bit of a waste of time.

I went to the roof’s edge and attempted to move the ladder over, as I was killing Deb’s flowers. As I tried to shift the ladder over, (it being upside down), the ladder clattered and collapsed itself to shorten. In a panic, I watched the ladder topple toward our family room picture window! I couldn’t look, I just waited for the shattering glass … but there was none! The ladder had collapsed itself small enough that it fell short of the window!

So … I went with great caution to the small master bath window, to tap again. 

“What now?” Deb yelled (she was not happy!) I wondered why she was so mad, aren’t baths supposed to relax you? 

“The ladder fell!” I replied (I knew she’d be right there to help me).

“Good!” was her answer. “I’m finishing my bath!”

So, I was left to basically kill time on the roof on this sunny Saturday morning. Do you know how many people pass a house on a warm November morning … a LOT! I did everything I could up there to not look like a moron. I checked imaginary loose shingles, went back to the chimney a couple of times, I even took out the screws and replaced them again! After what seemed like hours, Debbie arrived, and she set up the ladder correctly.

I climbed down and told Debbie that the chimney was in good shape ( I had no idea, anyway … I had to save some of my ego!)  

She smiled at me, and I’m still not sure if she even believed me. My attention turned to taking apart a waterbed, and moving it to the basement (that’s another sad handy-man story!).

So, those of you out there, who believe all men should be handy, please remember my story. We “Un-Handy” men may try to fix things, but any job given to us is like building the pyramids! My latest experience was building an Eliptical exercise machine. I mean, you know it’s a bad sign when the directions estimate the construction time at two hours, and it took me an hour to get it out of the box! Deb hasn’t used it yet, but I’m buying her a helmet … just in case!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)