To sleep, perchance to dream

Fule for Thought

 

When Deb and I were engaged, we had to go to a “Marriage Workshop” in Calgary. It was supposed to be a way for us to get to know each other. The problem was that we’d known each other for four years, so some of the tasks we had to do were pretty lame. 

This workshop cost us $50, and part of the way through it, I begged Debbie to let us leave … I even offered to pay another $50 to her, if we COULD bail!  

However, in this workshop, no one ever talked about a HUGE problem in new marriages: learning to actually sleep with someone else in the same bed. 

I have never been a good sleeper, it has (until Doc medicated me) always taken me a long time to fall asleep. Not so much for “Sleeping Beauty,” as she can fall asleep easily. Early on, I would lie there, listening to her sleep, while I tried to count backwards … think happy thoughts … but often to no avail.  

I also drove Deb crazy whenever I moved to re-position (now THAT sounded dirty). She would remind me after a “Hard Day’s Night” (favourite band reference), that I HAVE to move slowly when I turn over, because, or she gets scared every time! No one at the Marriage Workshop dealt with sleep, yet that’s where we all spend about 1/3 of our lives. I tried to remind her she didn’t marry a mime, but at 7 a.m., she didn’t find that so funny.

A few days after we were married, we stayed at Deb’s parents’ place in Canmore. That night, after toasting with the new in-laws, everyone shuffled off to bed. This was to be MY first experience with another partner’s sleeping. In the middle of the night, Deb sat up and began thanking various guests for coming to our wedding! She went on for a few different couples, then quietly woke herself giggling. I told her that I thought she got to everyone, and now she could go back to sleep. I’m sure you all have your own stories about sleep-talking, but this was my first experience. In the morning, I passed her in the hall, and said “you’re welcome” … again my FIRST experience with her not appreciating early morning humour!

Late one night in our first apartment, I must’ve been influenced by that classic TV show “Miami Vice.” In MY dream, I was saving Debbie on a cabin cruiser, pushing off “bad guys” into the ocean. The final guy was relentless … still trying to get on board, so I had to take drastic action. I awoke, pulling back my fist from between Debbie’s eyes, and realized I had just smoked her! I apologized, and secretly hoped there would be no marks when she left for school! A few years later, poor Deb was again awakened in the night by me pounding on her legs! In THIS dream, there was literally a river of rats spilling over each other, flooding over our bed and down again. I was, of course, protecting her by attacking the rodents, but she didn’t sound convinced.

So over time, our sleep-talking/attacking came to an end. With time, I had even learned to move slowly if I had to turn over, and not to bump her. That was until one late night after a night of “pub crawling.”  The Cambridge sub-division was new, so our house was near the East farm fields. I don’t know why, but I decided after lying in bed AGAIN not able to sleep, that I would try to do a coyote howl. I slowly sat up, threw back my head, and howled as loudly and as long as I could. Now, in my defence, it WAS a pretty good howl, and we HAD been “out on the town.” 

I looked over at Debbie and said: “that was pretty good, eh?”

She was (I thought) shaking with laughter. Sadly, I discovered that she was not shaking with laughter, but with fear, as I had scared the crap out of her. In between tremors and sobs, she asked, “why?”   

I didn’t have an answer then, and I don’t have one now, but it was a good howl.

In the past few years, I developed a snoring problem. Now part of that problem was that I got banished on various nights to other rooms or couches. In California for a school basketball trip, I even resorted to sleeping in the bathroom. ANYONE can sleep in a tub, but I found couch cushions, a comforter and pillow, and made a bed under the bathroom sink! It was actually not as bad as it sounds … very dark and quiet, AND a cool temperature as well. The only problem was having to move my “home” whenever someone had to use the room! Nowadays, my new sleep machine/mask now stop me from snoring. Oh sure, there’s the odd time when the mask is over my ear, and the mist wakes me, but it’s been pretty good. The only trouble is I can’t speak well with the mask on, and I don’t get to howl anymore. Maybe that’s a good thing

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)