Surviving junior high

Bullying can take many forms, but its impact is the same: lowered self-esteem, poor marks in school, turning to ways to cope. In some cases children lash out by turning to drugs or alcohol as a way to ‘escape’ their lives; others turn to cutting. 

A few weeks ago the death of Amanda Todd brought to light the issues some teens face today, but it’s only a small facet of what is out there, and while her death is tragic, her story is a fairly common one. 

Here in Strathmore a teen was struggling to cope with anxiety issues, the death of her grandma, concerns over her family, and added onto it was the daily verbal, mental and even physical abuse from some of her peers and classmates. 

Emma Kauenhofen, 14, is a junior high student here in Strathmore. On Sept. 19 she created a video, which can be found by typing in My Secrets- Emma Mae into YouTube search. 

In the video Kauenhofen describes what led her to begin cutting, and to attempt suicide. The video also shows her courage and strength to get past it. 

“I didn’t do the video because I was bored, or I didn’t have anything better to do. I did it because I heard enough about what people can say to each other and what it does and I knew it was time for me to do something,” said Kauenhofen.

“I know I can’t stop everything and I know for a fact there’s always going to be somebody picking on me and that’s never going to change, even if I lost all my weight and looked like a super model I would still be picked on for something.”

“I’m extremely proud of her because I think it got a lot of people talking, and hopefully thinking, about things they say and how our words really impact other people. To somebody who’s already sensitive you might think, oh just let it roll off but that could be the straw that breaks their back, you don’t know that,” said Joey Kauenhofen, Emma’s mom. 

Everything began in Grade 5 for the now Grade 9 student. She and her family were living in Hussar and she had started school in Strathmore. She began having anxiety issues, worrying herself sick and often calling her mom to come get her. She got to the point she couldn’t sleep in her own room, or go to the mall in separate vehicles because she was always worrying about the what if’s. 

Sleepovers with friends didn’t happen; even at her house she was too nervous to have someone come and spend the night, which made her feel left out and different from the other girls her age. 

“I think that’s part of the reason that made me so depressed, I felt like I lost part of my childhood. What do you say when you go to your friends house and you can’t have a sleepover because you’re afraid of something happening,” said Emma.

Through counselling and medication she has been able to control her anxiety. She has only gone away for the night twice since and still gets nervous but tries to push through it. 

“It’s never going to go away, you just have to try to find something that will help calm it down. I think that was definitely part of the reason as to why I went into depression.”

During Grades 5 and 6 her sister was cutting, which is self-inflicting cuts, or slices into your skin, and Emma was struggling to understand, while fighting her own inner demons. Grade 7 was a good year for her, she made a lot of good friends but in Grade 8 things went downhill. 

“I had so many people, every day, I’m not even exaggerating, every day I would walk in and someone would make a remark about my size, they would always no matter what it was,” said Emma. 

“They would say it in the simplest ways, you’re fat, you’re a fat ass, or they would say it more hinting towards it, like at least I can move around my desk, or you’re taking up most of the hallway stuff like that. You’re not supposed to take what other people say to heart but when you’re hearing it 24/7 it’s kind of hard to deny it.”

“A lot of people are able to hide their flaws. You can’t tell by looking at someone that they come from a home afflicted with alcoholism, abuse or even neglect but if you are overweight you can’t hide it, it’s out there for everyone to see,” said Joey. 

Between the verbal and emotional teasing she was going through at school, Emma also had a falling out with a good friend. There was a fellow classmate who had always been mean physically and verbally to many of the other students. Emma said the teachers would talk to him, things would stop for a day or two and then the classmate would be back at it. One day he punched Emma in the arm, the next time it was in the face. 

“The worst part was the teacher was watching, she saw it, and she left the room to go get another cup of coffee,” said Emma. 

“As far as I’m concerned, the schools say they have zero tolerance for bullying but I have yet to see that. A particular boy who was bullying Emma was able to go to great lengths without ever being expelled.” said Joey. 

Emma and Joey called the RCMP and reported the incident, which only made things worse in a sense. Now people would tease her by indicating she would call the police for every form of physical contact, such as a high-five. 

“After all this I realized the teachers don’t do anything. They say there’s zero bullying tolerance but that’s not true, why does it go on every day if there is? I know you can’t monitor every student in the school, but after you get two or three complaints maybe it’s time to put your foot down and say, you know what if this continues we’re going to be pulling you out of this class,” said Emma.

“With that one boy they kind of gave the excuse that that’s him, they’re trying to deal with him, he’s different, not special but maybe he comes from a bad home, but that’s him, he’s a trouble maker – almost like we need to learn how to take what he dishes out. Having a bad home life may be a reason for having anger issues but it’s no excuse for bullying,” said Joey. 

In Grade 8 Emma became extremely depressed. Everything seemed to pile on top of itself, and the stress of the past few years built up until the point that she turned to coping methods fellow students had used, ones she had always made fun of. She began cutting, and even attempted suicide.

“I never really understood it until I tried it, until it started happening. My friends would tell me, I used to do it, or I still do it, but it helps me. It was never a support issue at home, no matter what I had my parents support and my sister, that wasn’t an issue. I don’t come from a home where my dad’s an alcoholic or I’m getting abused or sexually assaulted or anything, nothing of the sort,” said Emma.

“I have an awesome family, I always have but a family can only support you so much before you have to wander out and figure stuff out on your own and its up to you. There’s a point where you just have to do stuff for yourself and really it’s just up to you.

“People offer their help but you cant take it because it’s a challenge against yourself really, it’s you against you. As much as I offer my help and support to them I know they can’t take it.”

Emma said it was her personality and her humour that pulled her away from the depression. If she can crack a joke and get someone laughing it makes her day, and makes her feel good about herself.  

Joey knew something was up with her daughter the night she made the video, but didn’t know what. She first saw it online, and her first thought was relief. 

“I think a lot of people saw that video as if it was a cry for help from her and I saw it as so different, I saw it as, this is who I am, this what happened to me, this is how I dealt with it and then I knew I wasn’t dealing with it the right way and I realized I have goals and I’m better than that, and I’ve come through it,” said Joey.

She feels Emma’s video is showing people that even though it might be bad right now, it won’t always be like that and things will get better. Emma said the comments she got about her video surprised her. A few people who had been mean to her in the past and picked on her or fought with her commented on her video in a good way. 

“Say 100 people saw that video and only one person changed what they did, I’m glad I made a difference.”