Marriage 101: a man’s survival guide

Fule for Thought

 

When a person decides to marry another, he or she is making a massive decision. You are committing to love and care for that other person for the rest of your life. It is for this reason that I write this column … that those men out there who have not tied the knot yet, can learn from my mistakes, and experiences. For those of us already married, there’s still time to save yourselves! I figure that if I can say, or do anything to save you from yourself, it’s MY duty!

The first decision (to marry Debbie) was a great one. I am blessed to have a pretty, intelligent woman who has a lot of love for all kinds of people. What I DIDN’T stop to consider back then, was our age difference. Debbie comes from two sets of family who all have longevity on their side. All of her grandparents and great-grandparents have lived well into their 90’s! MY problem is that I am 5 ½ years older than her, and MY family does not have old age going for it. My mom died at 58, and my dad at 73. NOW, that I’m in my early 50’s, it has hit me. Her long-life genetics + my older age + my family’s LACK of longevity = me being her FIRST husband!  

In fact, I have started to introduce myself AS Debbie’s first husband! I have decided though, to start to eat/live better, so that I have a fighting chance to be with her for many years. Sorry about your luck, Deb!

One thing husbands and wives should learn, is to accept each other, and not try to change them, no matter what. I made a “little mistake” on this a long time ago. I got it in my head that Deb would look great with darker hair. The weekend BEFORE the new school year began, I convinced her to darken it at home with one of those coloring kits. I picked what I thought would be a good shade and she began the process. It wasn’t long before I heard her scream the loudest and longest I had ever heard! She also began to sob REAL tears … even more than when I used my “Coyote howl”!  

I saw why. Her hair was now black … not JUST black, but black like “Elvira” off the old horror movies. We didn’t know what to do!! Finally, the next day, I decided I HAD to help her, I couldn’t send her off to her school looking like that … it was WAY too black!  

After calling many salons that specialized in stripping color, I found ONE that had an opening! So, my brilliant idea for a hair color went from 9.98 to over 200.00 to get her hair back to NORMAL! At first Deb was scared, as her hairdresser with flaming red/orange hair, tatoos, and multiple face piercings, did NOT look like the person who could REMOVE color. Luckily she did, and NOW I NEVER suggest any color for her hair!!

Here’s an easy one for you young guys out there who are reading, or are having this read TO you, by your partner. When your wife, fiancée, girlfriend, or significant other says she feels strong cramps, do NOT say “hey, that means six more weeks of Winter!”  Again, don’t do that … not as funny as you might think!

Debbie is a very precise person, who wants everything to be perfect. I, on the other hand, am the opposite … I can live with Imperfection … I’ve done it all my life! When we were first married, Debbie always knew where, and how high pictures should be hung. 

They were always at the right height, and hung perfectly. For years, she never knew that I would randomly pick one or two, and make them crooked! Each night or so, she’d straighten, and the next day, if I was alone … I would UN-STRAIGHTEN! It’s a long story, but I NEVER do that anymore!

Debbie also absolutely loves seniors. She loves to talk with them and is always interested in their recollections. She also volunteers for the “Meals on Wheels” program. Once at our kids’ soccer game in Standard, Deb was VERY concerned for an elderly lady standing in the heat, watching the game. She quickly got a lawn chair out of our trunk for her, and the lady sat down. Oh, she sat down alright, the chair crumpled under her, and she slowly collapsed , the chair bent and folded under her! I called out to Debbie:  “Nice, lady … really nice … that’s the THIRD time you’ve played that chair trick on an old person. Is THAT how you get your kicks?”  

Debbie was mortified for the lady, and shocked at me … she denied that it was joke, over and over … while I kept on with, “sure lady … really funny joke!”  

Then came the “Death Look” from Debbie, and I abruptly stopped. That’s the other lesson guys, look for those visual cues that your wife is willing to give you! Sometimes the cues take other forms, WAY more obvious … but ALWAYS watch for them … they could save your marriage, maybe your life … and OTHER things you value!

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)