Making families work

Times Contributor

 

Usually the month of June equates with weddings, but Strathmore social support professionals gathered at Hope Church on June 6, to discuss ways of helping children caught between parents in a divorce or separation situation.

Growing Families invited Sandy Shuler of Family Life Works Inc., www.familylifeworks.ca to speak to the group. She is a registered social worker and a certified Canadian family life educator with over 40 years professional and personal experience, dealing with issues surrounding family breakups and restructuring. She presented extensive material and strategies that professionals could take away to help aid families in transition.

“Taking a few minutes can lend a huge support to families, helping them find their own strengths,” said Schuler to the participants.

She challenged them to be messengers of hope around the subject of co-parenting and conflict reduction. 

Divorce and separation demographics are changing with Dads’ increased participation in co-parenting situations. Over 40-48 per cent of families will experience joint and co-parenting issues. Schuler said 20-25 per cent of disputes are classified as high conflict situations, but between 70-80 per cent are coping well. 

“I am seeing many separation situations where the families are managing quite well,” Schuler said.

She said relationships are not defined just by marriage anymore; it is a process of co-parenting by single parents, extended family members, multi-ethnic or generational families, blended families and same gendered families.

She indicated it is often how the conflicts are managed that impact the children more than the fact they were part of a divorce or separation situation.

“The best we can do is help families understand and manage these issues, as the conflicts may not be resolved and may be ongoing,” said Schuler.

She gave examples of myths people tell themselves about children of divorce and separation and emphasized there would be all kinds of responses from many types of issues. It is often a wish of others that children will bounce back. She said children might not verbalize their needs and often various variables will contribute to how children react, respond or adjust.

“Familiarize yourself with resources to help children with the changes in their lives and facilitate a safe place where their voices may be heard,” said Schuler to those in attendance.

She said language is very important when reframing the child’s environment. It is not Dad’s home, or Mom’s home… it is their home with Mom or Dad. The term sole custody or shared custody implies ownership, so it is better to give children a voice by using terms like shared co-parenting. There is a myth that children can choose which parent to live with by the age of 12. Schuler said that there is no research available to support that a child that age can make such a decision and most courts will order an assessment around co-parenting situations.

“You need to love your child more than you want to be right or fight with your co-parent,” Schuler reminds parents.

The following tasks help parents help children through the separation and divorce: 

(Parents may need the help of a qualified professional and a parenting plan, to achieve these tasks.)

• Acknowledgement of the reality of the situation

• Don’t make them part of the conflict or adult issues

• Resume your own life interests

• Manage the variety of losses because loss is multi layered

• Resolve anger and self-blame

• Accept permanence of the situation

• Move on with your relationships.

Schuler gave many factors that influence success in families facing restructured situations and the lack of the factors could just as easily prompt lack of success. By working together as a family with trained professionals providing good resources, there is a greater chance restructured families can move on to a healthy family life.

Growing Families will be asking Schuler to put on a workshop for families in separation and divorce in the fall and people can go to www.familylifeworks.ca where an “Effective Co-Parenting:  Putting Kids First” program is offered on Nov. 17 at Self-Connection Bookstore: 4611 Bowness Road NW; 403-284-1486.