Days of my life in teaching III

Fule for Thought

 

An earlier couple of columns ago, I wrote about some of the more humorous events that have happened in my 29 years of teaching. There have been many of these, and that is why another “sequel” is born. 

Years ago, when the current Jr. High was the high school, I was teaching a Grade 11 PE class. One of my students kept forgetting his “gym strip,” and it was beginning to affect his mark. On one particular day, I thought I’d help “Johnny,” so I went back into the Gym Office to get a pair of my sweat pants. The class was sitting in a group for attendance, and I told him what I was doing. I came out, and casually tossed him the pants. To my absolute horror, a pair of my briefs fell OUT of the pants ONTO the floor in FRONT of my Co-Ed class! There was a brief silence followed by uproarious laughter! I tried to be casual, and as I scooped up the briefs, said: “You’re NOT wearing these!”  

I hustled back to the PE Staff change room and waited for the laughter to die down, COMPLETELY embarrassed!

Once, while coaching the Sr. High Boys Basketball team, one of my Grade 12’s was ready to do a jump ball. I guess he had “gas,” because BOTH refs blew their whistles and called a “Referees” Time-Out! They sent the teams AND the culprit to their benches.  Once we knew who had done it, we pushed him back onto the floor. The referees pushed him back again, and we had to have a team huddle, with him standing OUTSIDE our circle! He was shunned for a few minutes while we all waited for the air to clear!

Sometimes a teacher has to find ways to lighten the day, and what better way, than by using a trusting high school student? I do this now and then, whenever I have a student who hasn’t ever golfed before. I pick up the “Ball Shagger” which is spring loaded, and used to pick up golf balls. The balls then pop up into a bag on the “shagger” to be emptied into a larger ball bin. I then pick a trusting student, and not to be sexist, but it’s usually a girl (girls aren’t as cynical as guys!).  

Then I send her into the Pro Shop, to tell the golf pro that the “shagger” is out of batteries! After informing the class (I know … cruel), we wait for the victim. Usually these students come back a little embarrassed, and they never seem to trust me as much!

I have a bit of a “lisp” when I talk, because of a gap in my front top teeth. Because of this, I have come to hate the letter “s.” 

In fact, why would whoever created our language, PUT the letter “s” IN the word that describes what you do! (“Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts…SNL).

There are times if I get a few words with the letter “s,” that not only do I lisp, but I whistle! Dogs come running in from fields, because they think it’s Dinner Time! What makes it so embarrassing, is that I never know when a letter “s” will MAKE me whistle … it’s always a surprise to all of us!  

One year, an English student decided to write a creative poem with almost all words having, or beginning with “S!”  

He begged me to read it to the class, of course. I lisped, and whistled my way through it, and of course the students laughed at my suffering!

Sometimes, you have to be on your toes and ready for student comments. Another English class had me calling out ideas for students as ideas for stories.  

“A séance, a prison break, train robbery, baby found on a door step, a gun fight,” I called out.

“Sex … I’m gonna write about sex” said one student.

“Oh, so you’ll be writing FICTION today!” 

I answered, and the class and I had a good laugh! The boy was quite quiet for awhile!

One school year, I was given a new portable classroom in which to teach. I usually work in my room with the door locked, to avoid students on spares, who may want to hang out and chat. That way, I can get my work done more efficiently. There was something wrong with the doorknob however, because each time I locked my door and closed it, the door would also be locked from the INSIDE. So for awhile, I had to call the secretaries to bring a master key and unlock the door so I could get out! Finally, one of the counsellors came down to see how I was getting locked in. First, she let me OUT of the room.  

“Look,” I said, “I lock the door, and here’s your key back.”  

“Then I go inside, close the door and it’s now locked.”  

I couldn’t understand why she was laughing through the door’s window.

“You KNOW you’ve just locked yourself in again, don’t you?” asked the counsellor.

With a defeated “yeah”, I asked her to please let me out. She did, after she let me wait awhile! (I guess she wanted to use this as one of those “teachable” moments … crap!)

 

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)