Balm … James Balm

Fule for Thought

 

I have a mission, one that must be done sooner, rather than later. Alberta has a dry, sometimes harsh environment, and that’s what I’ve been telling myself when I search for answers. The question is, how did I get so addicted to lip balm? I know I’m not alone because I often see other people bringing out theirs. There’s a serious look on their faces, followed by the relief of smearing on whatever is in the stuff! ( I wonder if it’s a conspiracy….maybe the big companies have the stuff rigged, so we get hooked on it!)  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make light of any addictions, but this ‘attachment’ has become a ‘monkey on my back.’

Lip balm … some call it “lipstuff, chapstick, or chapstuff.” 

Often, we also give nicknames to other things like ‘horse’ for heroin, ‘grass’ for marijuana … but whatever the name, addiction’s the same. Now, I’ve never stolen a TV to support my habit, but I still need to smear that gunk on my lips! That feeling of instant gratification can’t be beaten, but it’s not enough … it’s never enough. Sooner or later, I need to re-apply the stuff, and I’m back to square one! It’s always in my right pocket, whether I wear pants or shorts. I panic if I can’t find it, and I’ve been known to leave the house at night to buy one! I’ve even bought an extra one, just in case. Heck, I’ve even fumbled around in the middle of the night to put on some! Now if you just switch liquor for balm in those situations, you’d see just how it lip balm can be an addiction! I know I need help, I know I’ve got to quit … but it’s bigger than me!

If only there was a group of us … say “Chapstick Anonymous.” 

I’d have a sponsor, someone I could call to ‘talk me down’ from giving into it! Believe it or not, if you Google this, there are many websites that talk of this addiction, and I just found the one called “Lip Balm Anonymous”! (I’ll have to go there and really read carefully how to kick this habit!)  

I have a friend who was also tormented by lip balm, but he was stronger, more brave than me. He stopped using lip balm ‘cold turkey!’  

I asked him what it was like, and he admitted “it was hell.”  

He said his lips dried up, felt like cracked leather, and then began to peel badly! He did it over a school break, so he could kick it at home (surrounded by loved ones, I’ll bet!).  There must be a nice place we could go, like a rehab spa, where trained people could help us ease off the stuff!

I’m afraid for my son, too. Lately when we’re together, he’s asked to borrow my “lip stuff.”   

I always agree, but often watch him closely to make sure he doesn’t try to “forget” and put it in HIS pocket! (What does hurt is that he always rubs the applicator on his arm … I guess it’s to get rid of “Dad germs!”)  

It’s my fault … I set a bad example. If he saw me using the balm, he’d feel it was okay for him to use it, too. Now he’s an adult, and I can’t stop him.

I’ve secretly hoped for an ‘Intervention,’ for family and friends to surround me, and read their statements of love, anger, and support, to get me to quit! But for now, the balm is stronger than me … it’s winning. So far, we balm users haven’t been banned from public places, and I hope we never will. If you are in the same situation as me, maybe we can start a support group, to help us beat this. Maybe we could even get government funding;  I mean some of the things our governments have funded, are been pretty bizarre! However, I have to end this column now, because once again, I’ve misplaced my balm … and I need a “fix!”   

Balm, James Balm … “license to dab” (chapstick, that is).

(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that will appear in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)