Jumpin’ Jack Flash, it’s a gas, gas, gas!

By Pat Fule, Fule for Thought

Our dog is 13. Our dog is 13 and has developed a gas problem. This is actually kind of funny, as our last name is Fule. The problem is that it’s becoming all too regular, and we never know when, or where we’ll be! We’re even worried to have company over because of him. You see, he thinks every human is a pal, so he’ll climb up on the couch to sit next to someone. Then while we’re cringing and silently praying that Brodie won’t, he DOES! It’s hard to describe what happens next…it’s not pretty.
First of all, the old “fur rug” is silent, but deadly. The smell is also deadly! Hopefully, you’re not eating during this column, as the aroma from my old dog is a mix of rotting things, the un-dead, old feet, and just a hint of rotten eggs! It’s always enough to get Debbie nauseous, and she’ll usually sprint from the room. The rest of us are left to laugh nervously, and we hope the company doesn’t notice. It’s usually too late for them, and they always try to act as if it’s not a big deal, but we all know better. Brodie has become the friendliest, yet smelliest dog in town! He’s slowing down, too, and has a bit of trouble climbing stairs. I try to help, and carry him up sometimes, but I’m never sure if the “grab” will squeeze out the methane! When he does pass gas, the old guy has the most innocent look on his face, as if it’s not HIM! We know different, though.
I guess I’m to blame, as he does get the odd bit of “people food.”
I mean if he goes with me to do the recycling, “take it or leave it”…he does deserve SOMETHING. So…he has been known to have a “Buddy Burger” in the drive-thru! But hey, he’s a working dog…you have to keep up his strength! However, we have learned to never leave him alone in the van, under any conditions. I don’t know if he gets frustrated, or he’s mad, or even if he’s scared. Alone in the van seems to bring out the gas. Brodie chooses those times to become “Brodie the Farting Dog”.
Usually, we’ll throw open the doors for a bit, before getting inside! In fact, even on cool days, he seems to be able to raise up the temperature on his own!
I know he’s now an older dog, but I didn’t know how much different the older version of the puppy really is. Besides the gas, Brodie has started to grow large, disgusting warts all over his body! So, between the warts and the farts, petting Brodie has become an unpleasant experience. I  know there are always those jokes and stories about blaming the dog when you smell something bad, but our situation is for real. Sometimes no one even wants to sit with him, and we’re always a little worried if he hops up to do that, because we know what we’re about to endure!
One night when I had to take a long distance call, Brodie did his usual “thud” into our back door. Now unlike most normal dogs who scratch at the door, our dog kind of flings himself into it, and sometimes if you forget, he can scare the crap out of you! Anyway, my daughter brought him in, and he went to jump next to me on the couch. That’s when I heard Bree scream and run like I’ve never seen her before…not even in basketball!  There on the old guy’s butt was some poo stuck to his fur! She hit “battle stations,” grabbed him, and rushed him to the powder room! I heard a LOT of groans, and: “Brodie… no! Stand still…I can’t believe this!”
She came out shaking her head, and said, “I never thought I’d have to wipe my own dog’s butt…this sucks!”
Ah, the joys of having a family dog. Brodie had on his usual innocent look, and snuggled into Breanne as if nothing happened. Of course, she forgot all about the poo problem with that, and off they went to her room.
So, I guess for as long as we’re able to keep “Brodie the Farting Dog” healthy and happy, we’ll just have to carry on in spite of what he adds to our air space. Luckily, he’s a great dog, and who knows, maybe someone may write another book where HE is the star.  Hopefully, it won’t be a “Scratch and Sniff” book!
(“Fule for Thought” is a slice of life humourous column that appears in the Strathmore Times, written by long-time resident, town councillor, high school teacher, coach, husband and father of two – Pat Fule. If you would like to get in touch with Pat, you can send him an e-mail at Pat.fule@shaw.ca)